Relationship advice (should/shouldn’t))
I was verbally/physically abused by my mother. I’m trying to use DBT skills to deal with lack of self-esteem and the PTSD that I experience on a daily basis.
In DBT we learn that the words “should/shouldn’t” get us into trouble.
For example:
1. The driver in front of me shouldn’t be going so slowly
2. I should be a faster runner than I am
3. I shouldn’t have dropped that egg on the floor
These make sense to me.
But as I learn more about these skills, I realize that I’m using them in my relationships too:
1. That friend shouldn’t have cancelled on me at the last minute
2. My husband should want to exercise (at least once in a while)
3. That friend should ask *me* how I’m doing sometimes
My question is this:
If I’m using a lot of “should/shouldn’ts” in my *relationships* does this mean I need to find different people to hang out with? Because right now, I truly feel like my needs aren’t being met. I know that on SR I talk about myself a lot! But in my real life, I never talk about myself. I always ask my friends how they’re doing. I always ask my husband how he is. And lately I feel like my friends just tell me all the negative stuff that’s going on in their lives and my husband too. I can’t remember the last time somebody in my real life asked me how I was doing. (Except for my dear friends here).
Please, any advice would help.
Maybe if I gently suggest to my friends something like “hey glad to hear about you. I’m doing well…”etc…
Or is that too passive aggressive?
I’m feeling like I can’t open another text message with a friend telling me all about themselves…just on and on. Truly.