Hi Spamperd....
I totally can relate to what you are going through and saying...
I am a SLOW recovery....process....and Have trouble with "never" having a drink again....
I am having trouble with AA...and have had relapses.
It is a struggle between Denial and Acceptance....Denial that there is really anything wrong with my life or what I do and Acceptance with the idea that Life would be better for me without alcohol. I struggle with this Idea everyday.....
AA meetings....to me, I've been to about 10, and find myself comparing...thinking "I'm not that bad....I don't look that bad...I haven't lost that much." Then I think "That Could be me".
So I go.....I think AA is more a Philosophy on how to live your life and develop coping mechanisms Rather than a "live w/o alcohol" As I've heard speakers say that if you're still using keep coming and listen.
What I Can Tell You about what I've found.....Is At least an Ability to Move Forward with a better Attitude about life....And the more I hear words of encouragement and comfort....the less I want a drink.....b/c those words and comfort replace what that glass or two or three etc of wine was Giving Me.
I think.....It's all about Finding Peace....with yourself.....
Like Sure....drinking Brings you that peace and calm....But this SoberRecovery....AA....Smart Recovery.....can offer a replacement to that dependance and Hopefully alcohol no longer Plays a role in your life.
I've only Been doing this "recovery thing" for a couple months...But that's what I'm picking up on.....And I'm developing a confidence that being drunk....isn't necessarily the ONLY option.....
I wish you well!