needperspective

We only dated for 6 months, it’s been 5 weeks since she left me and I feel shattered still. I suspect she has issues with substances but I can’t wrap my head around everything that happened and need perspective

I’ll call her B. Brief overview, B and I met at work while both still in serious long-term relationships that were on the way out for different reasons. For hers, the fighting was too much for her, and mine was still very loving and caring but we’d lost passion for each other and felt like roommates/best friends.

B and I became friends first, going out drinking and doing drugs with friends. This was new behaviour for me but not for her. People close were shocked by my behaviour, I assured them she wasn’t a bad influence and I felt like I found a friend I could enjoy being out with (for months/years prior I’d go out with friends and leave early after a couple drinks). I very drunkenly and druggedly confessed my feelings to her after after a few weeks of this. She reciprocated, wanted to have sex etc. but I said it wasn’t an option. I told my partner the next day and she understood.

B broke up with her partner a couple weeks later. She’d been planning it before our confession. My partner and I broke up about 3 weeks later because we didn’t want to feel like roommates anymore — she said if I was happy with her I wouldn’t want someone else, and if she was happy with me she would’ve been hurt, but she wasn’t. My ex and I to this day remain best friends.

Within a week B and I are on a date, nearly blackout and on drugs. My partner and I still lived together at this time so I was staying at B’s for the night. B asked if I ever get tempted to have sex with my now ex being that we still share a bed, and I said no. She jokingly said she was over her ex but would definitely have to fight temptation if they were still sharing a bed. I laughed because I couldn’t relate, wasn’t jealous because it was our first date and knew if she wanted this ex she could have them.

Anyway, cue 6 months of chaos. Every week: go out Thursday, spend Friday hungover blowing off work (remote job so we’d log on and do nothing), go out Saturday or Sunday, she’d go home Monday morning. Nearly every minute we spent together was either drunk/drugged or hungover. I was having so much fun I didn’t realise how far off my usual lifestyle this was. Within two months I’d blown most my savings, had missed work regularly, avoided my friends to hang out with her (of my own volition), and made my house a more chaotic place for my roommates. Family called concerned that they thought I was using drugs, I got defensive and avoidant. I was so “happy” I couldn’t see what a mess I’d made of my life. B got in massive, nearly relationship-ending fight with her family she lives with when they were concerned about her drug use, I didn’t realise how abnormal it was so defended and enabled her through it all.

In the beginning neither wanted anything serious due to just being out of relationships and not knowing each other that well. As things developed we began to say we loved each other (drunk), we went on a trip together, talked about our future etc. but we both felt no need to put a label on it.

After a couple months of us seeing each other, B and her ex met for closure drinks at the ex’s request. They had been no contact. She was supposed to come to mine after but texted and said she was going home because it was an emotional evening, which was fine. The next time we met, B said the ex was doing a lot better, B had even told the ex about us and the ex didn’t really care. A couple months later B said that after they decided to go home they changed their minds and decided to get another drink. B had mentioned prior that when she has news she thinks will upset someone, she doesn’t like to sit them down and have a huge confrontation because it will make it seem like a bigger deal, instead she likes to drop it casually. When she revealed that they stayed out, I had a gut feeling that’s the method she was using in telling me that. I’m not the jealous type, I trusted her and I knew her feelings about this ex so I wouldn’t have been upset anyway.

There was another time she asked about my sex life with my ex and I said I didn’t want to talk about it because it could make her feel weird and was invasive of my ex’s privacy, and shes said “why? me and [ex] had amazing sex”. I told her I presumed as much since they’d been together years but I’d rather not hear things like that if I don’t ask specifically, and her excuse was of course she was drunk and it was stupid.

Things continued to develop between us but still with no label. A couple months after they’d seen each other for closure, B and I were laying in my bed as she showed me something on her phone, a suggestive text from her ex popped across the screen. She apologised and told me sometimes that ex does that and she ignores it. The conversation started with the ex saying “I miss you”, bringing up old memories and B responding “I miss you too” (as friends, which I get because I missed my ex’s friendship too), and then the ex said “I miss [lewd content]” which is miraculously the text I saw. I told her I understood but felt disrespected, I know B’s not responsible for this ex sending lewd content but she was entertaining it by engaging at all knowing how the ex will interpret it, and it was disrespectful to both me and ex. There was another time a few weeks prior she’d been at mine and the ex was texting her (I didn’t see the content) and she swore those were the only two times and I told her it was strange the only two times it happened were the two times I saw it. I don’t know why I didn’t end it there.

She said it’s hard because we don’t have a label and she doesn’t know which boundaries etc. so I said don’t play dumb, that her words and actions don’t line up and I couldn’t do this “no-label” thing anymore while she was initiating everything serious about us. She said this conversation made her feel closer to me and made everything feel more real and serious, but did warn me she can’t promise commitment because she wanted to move away soon but couldn’t lose me, so as soon as she decided when/where she was moving we’d figure out what was best for us but not to worry because nothing will change.

The next week, we were out one night and upon return to my house, she said “you know I’m it right, I’m the last person you’re gonna be with, you’re gonna end up with me”. I happily reciprocated. Once we got inside she said a mutual friend was asking about us earlier in the night and B told them we’re having fun but we agreed it’s not going anywhere. We got into an argument because I was so confused at the two opposite things she just said. I’ve rarely had fights like this in a relationship because I’ve never felt so sensitive to another person’s whims.

Her excuse for these mismatches is always that she was drunk and not making sense, but that’s where her explanations end. There’s no greater truth they point to. It was hard for me to know what was true because I could never tell when she was drunk. It was a running joke between us that there are only 3 times in the 6 months we spent getting messed up together that I could tell she was drunk. I hadn’t realised at the time but these mixed messages gave me severe anxiety, I’m on antidepressants/anxiety meds and was planning to call my doctor because I thought they’d stopped working.

Two weeks later, vibe felt off so I asked if she wanted to hang out sober, she it blew off. I saw her the next night, we drank, did drugs. When we left she told me she’d planned her move and our vibe felt weird, she didn’t feel right continuing, didn’t want to hold me back. Both sad but kept in regular contact because we really did become “best friends” over this time. The next day she asked me over to have sex, asked if we’ll ever have sex again etc. I didn’t because it was 5 in the morning on a Monday. After a few weeks I got to my anger phase, where I felt messed around. My self esteem took a massive blow because she chose to move away with a friend who has substance issues and treats her horribly, I felt awful that she’d choose that over me who she said made her feel so safe and like it was her first healthy relationship.

A month later I thought I moved on from the anger so we decided to meet up again. She cancelled on the planned Saturday because she was too hungover so we did Sunday. We grabbed some drinks and it was going really well. The drinking was on steroids this time. I participated too but I noticed she was drinking faster than usual and constantly, ordering the next round before the current one was finished, downing them in record time etc. but still seemed fine. I didn’t drink much at all for our month apart. My tolerance was really low and she said she hadn’t been going out but had been drinking in the house for the month.

After maybe 15 drinks we decided it was time to part. I don’t remember how but we ended up at my house because I had alcohol. As we’re drinking at my place she pulls out a bag of drugs for herself, this is at around 4-5 AM with work the next morning. I drunkenly partook, huge mistake. She got upset because a family member she lives with was sending her texts saying she knew B was at my house and she had no impulse control, lives a crazy life etc. Not the first time I’d seen this, so I was comforting her and defending her in her ear, reminding her we’re just chatting and we’re not doing anything crazy (haha). She lied and said she was with another friend. I was worried this person texting her thought I was some horrible influence or we were having sex, and told her to just tell the person we’re just catching up (truth as I had no intentions to have sex). I couldn’t understand the big deal. As I was saying these things in her ear about how these people in her life have her all wrong, and she confessed to me that the reason this person was saying all this is that she had sex with the aforementioned ex two days prior, the night before we were originally supposed to meet that she was so hungover she couldn’t.

I was furious that she told me, not that she did it, but we had spent the whole night sharing about what a hard month it’s been. She told me she felt so guilty that I was being so sweet and she couldn’t sit with it. She felt like she cheated so she had to tell me, but when I got upset she said in the next breath “why are you angry, we’re not together I can do what I want”. She called herself an ******* then when I was upset said she wouldn’t care if I’d done the same. I felt crazy. She said she was drunk and depressed and didn’t know why she did it and felt like **** after it, but it obviously felt like she’d been planning this the whole time. And earlier in that night she was saying she has no sexual drive anymore and wants to be alone for a while, said the ex has been a huge comfort, asked if I’ll be getting back with my ex and said absolutely not when I asked the same. The ability to lie so easily just makes me feel sick looking back. I just couldn’t fathom how someone could, I don’t know, sit on this “guilt” and seem completely normal. A side note I don’t care what she does but it was a sting to my ego after all she’s said about how crazy this ex is. For what it's worth the ex was never a subject of jealousy for me, it's just after she told me they slept together again I'm seeing all these past red flags as a bigger deal than I did at the time.

I had taken two opposite types of drug at this point as well as the dozen plus drinks and I went off on her, this rage I’ve never felt, I felt utter disgust and hatred for everything I’d been through and I blamed her. I realise now it was me who allowed my life to become this chaotic, apologised for the outburst after I realised I didn’t want to take responsibility. Someone close to me revealed she thinks B has a substance abuse issue (not the first person to tell me this), which made everything click. I couldn’t feel anger anymore. It finally makes sense why her actions make no sense. When I told her how sorry I was for blaming her for the chaos in my life, she told me she can’t stop once she starts and doesn’t even feel embarrassed anymore after a night out. Now that the dust has settled I do still have some anger that I really want to work through, I’m tired of this.

I guess there are a lot of other tip offs in hindsight that she has an unhealthy relationship with substances that I didn’t really get into. Once I realised I’d probably been dealing with a possible alcoholic, I felt calm because I finally realised why it won’t ever make sense. But I feel angry again a few days out and like I still love her even after everything. I guess I am just looking for some tough love about this, some perspective, because my self esteem has never been lower.