I was a room mom, a soccer coach, had sleepovers almost every weekend, kids were in soccer, basketball, volleyball, daughter had a horse, 4h, track. Both popular in school, didn't miss out on any of the normal stuff. But they did miss out on a mom who was 100% fully present at all times. My usual scenario was start drinking around 6 pm and go about my business. Usually laundry, cleaning, mowing etc. Get up for work the next day. I felt like I was going 100 mph as a single parent. When they went off to college, it went to 0 mph. My drinking became heavy and more stretches at a time. I had a dui and lost a great career because of it. They felt (rightfully so) shame, embarassment. I was full of anger @ the way my life had turned out with xah. It's weird because I HAVE been in their shoes. But I haven't, because I had awesome parents.
I think, well I know the anger directed towards me and not their dad is because they relied on me. They counted on me. They never did without the necessities, never missed an event. If I was not capable, my parents live just up the road and they stepped in. Not that this matters, but they had all of the trendy clothes, a nice car, a beautiful home. Or I should say, none of the material things should matter, but they do to a teenager. I think I am just an outlet for ALL of their anger right now. Don't get me wrong, we're not estranged or anything like that (though there have been times/weeks that this has been the case).
But I am present now - being the mom I have always been along the way when alcohol wasn't present. I am trying to word this so I'm not minimizing anything, but it's as if they are maximizing everything. I sometimes feel like they act like I had them chained to a post in the basement and beat them. So it has been a very fine line for me to try and not minimize, but also not accept them awfulizing it - if that makes sense. There was a time when I feel like I just took their anger in silence because I felt I deserved it. And I do/did. But at some point there needs to be a line drawn where the gloves are taken off and we start walking in the right direction towards the future and not ruminating/marinating in the past. I also try to remember that although I have very smart, good and level headed kids, they are 22. They don't know it all and their brains are not yet fully developed either. (I've done research on this. lol).
This is also a very critical time because they are getting their wings to fly and it's very hard for me to accept that also. Almost like I feel like I have no use anymore because for years I was BOTH parents. All the while trying to maintain my sobriety, which is THE hardest thing that I have ever done. I think this would have been a tough age for me even without alcohol involved.