Codependent>alcoholic>recovery and kids/young adults
I posted this in a response to a post on newcomers. Short context. I was very co-dependent with my addict husband. He was pretty severely addicted to opiates, which resorted to herion. Large amounts of it. And eventually jail for a stint. He was my hs sweetheart and I tried desperately to save him. I pretty much had to file for d to protect our assets and let him fend for himself. Although I wasn't a big drinker, nor does it run genetically in my family - I started drinking. Just to calm down. It eventually took hold of me and I became addicted to alcohol myself. I was a 8 year binge drinker. All the while my kids were in all sports, very active in school etc. I was there for alot, but there was a lot that was missed. And a LOT of damage done because of my choices. I have 22 yo twins. I was a single parent going 100mph trying to work to save us financially and make sure they had all that they needed physically. My xah pretty much left the picture for several years. I am now 1.5 years sober and he still dabbles I think, but is way more coherant than before. I have been the codependent and came full circle to the recovering alcoholic. So I am asking for some input. You'd think I could figure this out myself as I've played all of the roles, but I am asking for some outside insight. Here is a copy/paste from the other thread.
I too struggle with my kids. They are 22 (twins). They are at a stage right now where they are really ruminating in the past. My daughter especially is awfulizing things. Not that they weren't awful at times. Many times. She went to counseling at her university and that seemed to make things worse. From the state that she has been in, I am pretty sure that she painted the worst possible picture. I don't blame her for that, but we had many good times too. Many. I am not sure why, but she's also remembers things that weren't true or didn't happen. i.e. "mom you weren't at xyz event. I had to go by myself.". I WAS there and I WAS sober. I have pictures from it. "Mom, you messed up the soccer team meal". I didn't, it was another mom who dropped the meat and tried to clean it up to serve. I was the one who scrambled to thaw and cook new ground beef for the team. And I did. Granted, there were many things that I weren't there for too. At first, I was frustrated with her counselor. But I realize that a counselor can only work with what they are told and their gut/training.
I have told both kids that I cannot change the past, I would do anything to have that opportunity of a redo for about 8 years of their lives. I was a binge drinker, but it occured at a CRUCIAL time in their growth and development. 12-18 years old. Not that any time isn't crucial. I have apologized a million times. Sincerely. But an apology - I am sorry - 3 words can't undo 1000's of hurtful words, times or events. I have found that this is a fine line that I am walking with them both. They are mad, ticked. I don't blame them at all. It's very easy for them to take it all out on me and be destructive towards me. I have allowed that a little bit, but I also know that I cannot continue to be a whipping post. It is not good for my sobriety (which sounds selfish). But if I lose my sobriety, the ground that I have gained with them will be lost. My daughter was the one who brought me h20 or food when I was sick, who was my biggest supporter when I tried to get better or sober. It stinks that she is not by my side in sobriety.
You know - in re-reading this I am wondering how I sound to others. I would be very open to thoughts. Maybe I am approaching this wrong, maybe I need to think things through differently.
When I was there age, I was just graduating college. I had dreams (with my xah at the time) of 2.5 kids and the white picket fence. I tried to do everything right. But I was young and very naieve. Addiction wasn't really common or so I thought as it is now. Or at least not spoken of on a surface level. My xah started taking an rx for migranes. Darvocet, percocet>oxy, dilauded, fentynal>heroin, fentynal, xanax bars. I had ZERO idea that this was going on initially years ago, but it was. It was as if he took a dive off of the high dive and I jumped in to save him. I posted here for many years on the friends and family as a pretty severe codependent. I am a different screen name now. I guess what I am asking for with my kids is some kind of "outside" input. Input through different eyes or suggestions as to how to mend things as best as I can with my kids. Both are graduating college, well adjusted and GOOD kids. We talk, they come home every now and then, but we are not as close as I'd like. I've said sorry a million times, but being on the receiving end (from xah) that really doesn't mean much. I am 1.5 years sober and I too know what it feels like "waiting for the other shoe to drop". I have lived what they've lived through, but as a wife. Not as a child of an addict/alcoholic. They do have a relationship with their dad, and it's almost better than the one that they have with me. I know that I am the one who did the most damage, because he simply left and entered the world of drug addiction full force. Maybe someone reading this might have some different context/insight or suggestions that I am not seeing. Thanks for reading!