Jillian2563

Hey guys. Just wanted to give an update.

I never ever thought I’d be pregnant again let alone with a girl. (If you recall, I have 3 boys - step son 24 yrs, son 19 yrs, and son 6 yrs.)

I also never in a million years thought I’d be 600 days sober (1 year, 7 months and 24 days).

I’ve cried a lot at the beginning of this pregnancy, and again when I found out it’s a girl. I did talk to a therapist a few times and plan on picking back up with her in August when school starts. Now that I’m in my second trimester, things have evened out a bit with hormones and acceptance.

Maybe this is God’s way to assure me that I’ll never drink again. The thought of screwing up a girl brings me so much sadness. I grew up without a dad, or a father figure. My mom was single and I have an older sister that is 6.5 years older than me. She also didn’t have a dad (we have separate fathers).

I tried to contact my father when I was pregnant with my first at 19, and he basically told me he didn’t have time for me. That hurt. Over my many years of drinking, I would try to call him and I remember one time leaving him a drunken voicemail. And I’ve never talked to him or tried to talk to him since.

Even though I’m married, and my baby girl will have a father, I’m just terrified I/we will screw her up, or worse something will happen (hubby is 46) and won’t have a dad. I don’t want her to feel the way I do. I believe part of the reason I drank is because I felt alone and abandoned growing up, never having a father.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to be so melancholy in my post but just wanted to check in.