Originally Posted by
whopper 
I just don't know why I put myself through this?
It's not necessary that you know why you put yourself through this. If that statement is actually just meant to tell us you are miserable, I understand, but whether you understand why or you do this or don't, the "cure" is always the same. Stop drinking. That turned out to be what I needed to do, while I wasted years of pondering "Why?" before I took care of the problem. Then the why's became apparent.
Right now you need to figure out what you need to do to stop, what to avoid, how to handle cravings. What is your plan? I can tell you why you do this to yourself right now, but it won't help one bit. You are addicted to a highly addictive substance. But what are you going to do? How are you going to do it? I can't stress enough that this should be your focus.