meetings, as far as ive gathered, don't work without stepwork.
im going to a meeting in one hour. it will be the first meeting ive been at for about 4 months, and, yes, i'm getting a white key tag.
its funny that that last smiley is named "loser" - i didn't know, but it fits.
11 years ago at the very same regular narcotics anonymous meeting that i will be attending tonite did i truly "surrender" and i still don't know what its like to be totally serene. i know what its like to be off drugs, tho.
i didnt believe the program. i would rather start my own spiritual program. i'm still a little cautious, but i do know that when i did go to meetings, i stayed off drugs. So, this time i'm going to take all the suggestions i get, and do them, because when i did it my own way, it didn't work. they told to to go to more than one a week. i'm going to do that this time. they told me to find a sponsor. i'm going to get me one of those.
i'm a little nervous, to tell you the truth. but rationally, its where i need to go. its thundering out and raining pretty hard. i'm tired. my shoes are going to be soaked. my jacket doesnt repel water. i have no car. i have no friends with cars. if i tried, i could think of a million reasons why i should stay home, and all of them are lame.
i'm gonna get my white keytag, and i'm going to throw away my others. 11 years i could be proud of, and none of my problems would be existing. what i do have is a miracle, and my recovery is beginning to truly happen. honestly.
once i start walking, i'm not going to turn back. As cold and wet as i become, i'm going to feel that much better.
time to surrender, again.