I feel like crap today feeling so burnt out,and I talked with sponsor today. I realize I need to keep trying I also realize i need to remind myself that I don't really want to use its just my addiction telling me a fairy tale about how i will feel so much better after, but instead end up feeling worse afterwards. I also decided to go to a Thursday night big book study, and I'm going to expand my repatare of repertoire of meetings. I'm also going to go to the next ma meeting that I can find. mabey Tuesday depending on an aa obligation I have on Tuesday nights. I think and my sponsor agrees I haven't gotten step one totally because part of me thinks it's not as bad as alcohol. I'm not going to beat myself I am were I am, I just need to keep trying. My sponsor said he wasn't disappointed in me that he just wants be to get well. this is a really bad disease and it has me in it's grip. the blame and shame game doesn't help I'm not bad person trying to get good I'm a sick person trying to get well. We have today let's make of it what we can. I also realize I can't think my way out of using I will only end thinking my way into using.
David