nana05

fast forward// 1993, got osteo,,, went through hell trying to get rid of that which took forever.. he got it//// which before that he had had hepatitis a and now found out also has had B. all these health problems started cropping up.. and then in 1997 he had to have back surgery,, he was falling,, the pain was horrible. his discs were degenerative.. and all his spine was falling apart from being a migrant when little and lifting all those sacks of everything in colorado starting in 5th grade all the way until 18 years old and then all the jobs he got from then on was heavy lifting.. well after 97 he did drugs and drank .. it got better.. but then in 2000 oh my gosh... he got on methamphetamine , he actually stopped drinking because of all the pain meds he was on..

but i cannot tell you how much he spent on drugs.. since 2000. he broke us.. i have MS so i got layed off in 2001 and we wait for one check at the end of the month. well the whole point of this story is.... he is really sick,, his osteo came back in same place,, i went to california from sept until late oct of 2002 to help my daughter with her new baby. he spent all our money and developed an infection from all the dirty needles he was using..
so of course it ended up right at the same place again.. so starting in december we started the doctors.. the scans and mri;s. and all sort of other tests.. then on jan. 8th the first surgery to take out the clavicle, the sternum and the first rib all on the left side. went through hell... he tried to overdose by eating patches, duragesic 125's ;like twice... and they barely got him back the third time. his eyes were fixed and dilated the 3rd time. so they all got mad at him and treated him awful from then on.. he got a yeast infection from the grochan catheter that they put in him cause somehow it misplaced and it got up in his neck instead of his major blood vessel for the antibiotics to go in.

they released him to me and i did the ivs.. he got sicker and sicker and had to go back and be admitted again.. the yeast was all over his body and was called a super infection.. they gave him meds for awhile.. and then stopped the yeast medicine.

well we did the second surgery, i had asked the internist to check out his heart before the surgery and he pointed his finger at me and said he will do that if necessary.. well he thought it wasnt necessary.. so they did the second surgery to remove what all they had to remove... they released him to me..

he was so sick.. one night he came out and he said call 911, i did and his heart was barely going.. they transferred him to another hospital,, where he had been in for now 4 weeks.. they couldnt believe that they discharged him as sick as he was.. they are having to try alot of antibiotics cause they are all making his kidneys go crazy.. well finally today he told me that it is finally working he thinks cause his blood work is coming back better, alot better, but now it is his heart.... bacteria endocarditis.. if you look it up.,. guess what it says.. iv drug users get it.. of course.. so now he may, we arent sure.may be facing heart surgery all for the sake of drugs.. he may have given his life to drugs when he has 3 kid and 6 great grandkids that this this man hung the moon.. and you know what.. i have loved being in this house by myself.. is that mean and horrible??? i dread him coming home if they find out that his heart has cleared up.. he may have developed spots on there that they may have to work on cause if they break off, they can cause stroke or heart attack.. i dont go see him. he is up there in skilled nursing,, which is a big joke,, they never rarely check on him or keep his pain in control, i dont know how to love him again.. i dont think i have it in me any more for him and i am staying here for the grandkids.. make sure they know nana and papa are ok and they can come see us and all that ....... i am tired of that. do i deserve a life at all... i flat dont want to live with him any more.. i cant stand to know what he is doing in that bathroom... he is so sneaky and can rig up anything believe me.. he is having a heart test tomorrow and guess where i will be... here at home in my robe ,, not doing nothing.. about 2 weeks ago i had blood in my urine and didnt think much about it because it had happened last year.. but it was bright red blood and came out like i was on my period and i have no female parts..but boy that night.... all my bodily functions shut down.. no BMs, no urinating.. just burning and trying to push ,, crying.. fell asleep in the bathtub and woke up with water all over the floor..
i had to go to ER and they had to use 3 enemas to clean me out and put a catheter in me.. it was awful and very very painful... i have never had so much pain in my life.. i still havent got over the pain in my legs from that saturday.. it is bad.. i have changed my diet,, and drinking water.. they are taking all sorts of tests now.
i want to live by myself.. real bad and i know how much i do now.
most wives would be rushing up there tomorrow to make sure that their husbands heart test came out ok... and i will be sitting here. but i RESENT HIM SO SO MUCH.. HE DID THIS TO HIMSELF.. THE strain of infection that he had in his clavicle is what drug iv users get.. and the first thing it does is affect the valves of the heart.. and he is so so sick.. he made this choice.. i know that people think that this is a disease.. but i have a hard problem believing that.. i think you can say NO the first time you are offered it.. i did. if you can say no, then you wont have the addiction problem later on in life.. i mean my gosh there is enough information out there to see why not to do drugs. i know there are alot more people out there worse off than me.. their kids are on this crappy stuff and cant find their way back......
and i think of them all the time.. cause my husband was once there. and he still is.. and 46 years old.. and a papa.. i wish i could feel love... I WANT TO FEEL LOVE.. i feel nothing... i do care..
i dont want him to die.... at all....i guess we will know tomorrow if we are looking at heart surgery... i got a bill the other day and at just one hospital , 72000 dollars.. for like 4 weeks. bill collectors call every day... what a life..

well if you got to the end of this, i praise you.. i do this every now and then and vent here. i guess i use this to write my feelings..
and if anyone replies then all the more better. this was really a novel and i am sorry. i am lonely, sick, tired, confused, depressed, hurting., and just wanting to be by myself..

f anyone has any insight on how to love again.. i will listen..
i feel my heart is dead and when i do see him in the hospital,,i look at him with hate.. and resentment because what he did the from 2000 until last of 2002 has got him where he is today..
5 times i have had to call to get him revived since january..
it finally works on you... love you all... i think of you all alot. and hope you alls lives get better... i read where some have had some good luck.. and i love it..
love you all..,,,, nana