I could not stay clean and sober -- and avoid blackouts -- till I fully committed to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Along the way, I've come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic for whom A.A. is the only solution. I have no idea whether you are that type, but I hope you'll keep an open mind about it. As for your current remorse and self-loathing, here's a hopefully helpful set of promises from A.A.'s Big Book:
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.