Fxckedit

I'm writing this out because I can't cope with my guilt and self-loathing.

I haven't been eating and have been in and out of hospital to look after my parents, who are hard work.

My boyfriend asked if I'd go and hang out with him and his friends and I agreed.

I was having a good time and then a black fog comes over my mind and just muddies the waters to the point where I can see nothing.

I remember being shouted at by my boyfriend and his friend. I believed they had done me wrong and so I left the house, called a cab and had a mental breakdown.

I got home and when I woke up, I messaged my boyfriend to say we were over and that I hated him. He proceeded to tell me what I did.

What I did, was got naked and snogged his best friend who had been trying it on all night. When I got called out by my partner and his friend, I told them both some horrible things and the girl won't talk to me at all. I can't remember this happening and I was lucky enough that my boyfriend came over and held me whilst i cried uncontrollably all day.

The guilt I am struggling with is why was I so horrible to this girl? I like her. We were having a nice time. How could I do this to my boyfriend? How could I do this to myself? How could I think that my boyfriend and his friend had wronged ME when I was the one who was the villain in this scenario.

I'm dealing with a lot of crap. Im not excusing my behaviour. Ive blacked out before and have put myself in dangerous situations that I've had to live with. But I have never been so cruel.

I cant clear my mind and I can't stop panicking. I really need someone to talk to.