Oh my. This is really serious. I hope we can help, because no one deserves to live like that. Recovery is a process that takes some thought and action. Many of us have done it, some as bad off as you. Almost all of us here were from that sector of alcoholics that needed help from others to get over the beginner's hump and learn how to live without alcohol in our lives. It's a big deal to learn how. For normal people it's not a big deal. For alcoholics it's a very big deal. Maybe the most important life change you will ever make.