ByAThread- i like what Cap said. and i know how you feel as i have been there and done the same thing. then we beat ourselves up for what we did, and can't figure out how it is that it IS his fault and yet we perpetrated it. the anger and rage was the biggest issue for me which got me into an al-anon meeting.
i was relieved to find out that of course you will feel rage- cause the alcoholic situation is outRAGEous. so the first thing i REALLY worked on (while doing the steps) was focusing on DETACHMENT- whatever you need to do -to break the cycle of rage-- which also meant i had to FAKE IT TIL I MADE IT- so i faked it.
why this is SO essential is because of how the Alcoholic cycle works. AS LONG AS YOU ARE ANGRY AND REACTING TO HIM- HE WILL BE ABLE TO DEFLECT HIS GUILT, ANGER, RAGE, AND SHAME FOR WHAT HE IS DOING ***BACK**** ONTO YOU. So if you want to break the violent raging angry cycle- you will need to Let It Begin With You and remind yourself that he NEEDS you to be angry and raging in order for him to continue doing what he is doing. AS Soon as you begin this first step of acting like everything is JUST FINE WITH YOU- he will ONLY have himself to feel bad about.
so let me repeat this-- He allready knows what he is doing. He allready is full of shame and guilt and anger and rage for what he is doing. He just can't accept it and NEEDS to have someone else there (you) to be the one he can BLAME for it- and as long as you accept the bait and rage about it- he can rationalize and justify his drinking- "see it is all her fault, she attacked me".....
so i know it is hard to DETACH but for your sake and his try your best to ACCEPT yourself, be GENTLE with yourself, Love yourself- and BELIEVE IT. so that you will ALLOW him to OWN his own anger and rage and life goes on for you as it should.
Good Luck, I know you can do it! If i can do it (i'm highly reactive) than anybody can do it. If you have any of the little books al-anon has- they are a great resource to read and read again and read another until you get to that better place and are able to continue keeping your SERENITY.
