"The overwhelming pain and fear we can feel just being alive on this planet is what we thought we were relieving with alcohol. That well trod path in our psyches doesn’t change just because we stop drinking. At least, not completely. Recognizing that dulling and obliviating is how you used to handle something like this, that you would put another anvil on yourself at a time of feeling buried already, is absolutely alcohol related in my mind. i am sorry if you are ever made to feel like there is not a place for recognizing that in a meeting. I may be misunderstanding the end but in any event I am glad you can come here and lay it all bare."
Thanks, NL, and everyone. I made it through yesterday, the first day without her. It is still hard coming through the front door knowing she's not there, and downstairs knowing she's not on her perch on her chair under the dining room table. I am also haunted by the look in her eyes at the end...they were always so bright and lively.
But I am sober and strong and I have two (kitties) that are equally like my kids, and we will move on together as a family.