Caligirl76

Hi everyone,

I am new here and apologize in advance if this echoes so many other stories similar to mine, but I have been completely betrayed, abandoned, and left shattered by my very recent ex-recovering alcoholic boyfriend. I could really use some support and insight about my particular situation and the recent series of events that have led to extreme heartbreak. I have been going to therapy and trying to cope the best I can since he broke up with me, but I still feel totally blindsided.

In a nutshell, we dated for almost 4 years. We met through two of our children who were (and still are) best friends. When we initially met, he was very open with me about his struggles with alcoholism and shared that he was a previous opioid addict. He had been recovered for years from the opioid addiction, whereas alcohol was an ongoing temptation. On top of all of that, he told me he had been in a car accident years before which caused a traumatic brain injury that further complicated his alcoholism.

We became inseparable, best friends, and very happy and so in love for the first 13 months until we went on vacation and he had a major relapse. One of his parents became ill right before we left our holiday and became scared that he was going to lose them. I woke up one morning and found him so drunk that he was slumped over on the couch and literally couldn't speak or move his mouth...I worried that he had a stroke, but he was just extremely intoxicated. I found large nearly empty rum bottles in the freezer. After we came home, his sobriety became a non-stop struggle. He lost three jobs in quick succession, started sleeping all day, missed important family events, etc. Despite all of this, we continued to love one another unconditionally and our bond grew stronger. We discussed marriage numerous times and last Christmas, he gave me a promise ring with both of our birthstones and our names with the word "forever" engraved inside the ring.

Around Christmas of last year (2021), he became extremely ill. He had a scab on the back of his throat, was often nauseous, was shaking all the time, etc. I knew that his drinking must have been getting worse and worse despite him looking me in the eyes and telling me he wasn't drinking. By this time, I was extremely close with his entire family and I shared my concerns about his health and my fears that if it got any worse, I worried that he was going to drink himself to death. As a family, we held an intervention and in early January, he agreed to get help. He tried to stay at home and get help from a sober living coach, but he continued to drink and entered an inpatient treatment facility for 30 days. We made a goal with his family and sober living coach that he would work on his sobriety for the next year and then we would marry. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I was so proud of him for getting help on his own accord.

Toward the end of his 30 days at the treatment center, he invited me to two family group therapy workshops where we made amends and he restated that he loved me and told me once again that he wanted to marry me. He apologized for not being the man I deserved and I forgive him without hesitation. After he got out of the center, he took me out for dinner, brought me flowers, and asked me to please not leave him. I reassured him that I was in this with him for better or for worse as if we were already married because that's how much I loved him. Around that time, he told me that a sober living house from a town a few hours away had visited the treatment center and had asked him if he wanted a place to which he said yes. I wasn't thrilled with him moving a few hours away to continue his recovery because I had already been missing him so much and thought that he wanted me to be an active part of his recovery, however, he reassured me it would only be for 90 days and then he would move back home with his parents and we'd start rebuilding our life together.

Long story short, a few months ago he told me that he wanted to stay in his new town permanently and told me I could move there to be with him and create a life there. My heart sank for a few reasons, firstly, he didn't even discuss the idea of wanting to stay there forever with me, and secondly, I still have children in school and have other family members nearby who depend on me so I can't just up and move quickly which he should have been well aware of. I wasn't opposed to the idea of moving in maybe a year or so, but he was upset and disappointed in my reaction because I didn't jump for joy right away. Following the conversation about moving, he became a little quieter but kept visiting me on the weekend and kept telling me he loved me every morning and night.

By the beginning of June, his behavior began to change and his messages and our talks on his part became very short and more matter-of-fact. I could tell he was pulling away and abruptly, he told me he needed a one-month break with no communication to focus on himself. He told me that so far in his therapy sessions, all he talked about was me and the disappointment he had caused me as well as some other issues, and said that he hadn't even begun to scrape the surface of his own independent issues about his alcoholism and other self-destructive behaviors. Despite saying he needed a break for some extra self-care, he said he didn't want this to be the end of our story and reassured me that he loves me.

Flash-forward to a month later and before he even reached out to me following our break, I heard different things from different family members about what he had been saying about our relationship and his intentions. Some people told me it was going to be fine, others told me he was going to end things with me permanently. He finally called me and I shared with him what I had heard. He admitted that he was thinking of breaking up but he wanted us to have a long discussion before he made his final decision. I agreed to meet with him and talk, hoping for the best but literally two minutes into the conversation, he told me he didn't want to be in a relationship. I was gutted and broke down crying. He didn't give me any other real explanations aside from that he had been previously disappointed in my reaction regarding him wanting me to move out of town with him; he said my reaction made him feel like I didn't really love him anymore and that he wasn't that important to me. I tried to explain that I was open to it, but that it was just a surprise and I needed to wrap my head around it since my understanding up until that point was that he was moving back home after 90 days. I explained that he took things the wrong way and that I was indeed willing to move but he never gave me a chance to discuss it before he made his decision to go on our one-month break and then end things. He was unmoved.

I left our talk absolutely heartbroken. I also found out that later the same weekend after breaking up with me, he lost his place at that sober living house due to overdosing on cough syrup with codeine while he had been at home (so it coded for opioids during testing). So in a short amount of time, he broke up with me, overdosed on cough syrup, and made a few other irrational decisions according to his family and it caused a rift; some of the family were very concerned and felt he had lost his sobriety while the rest of the family thought he was acting just fine and doing a great job. Either way, I was out of the picture mostly by that point. We did talk on and off for a few more weeks and I tried my best to support him and to talk to him about us having another chance in the future, he would agree and then disagree and couldn't seem to decide what he wanted.

After he broke up with me, I had a therapy session and my therapist suggested trying to get more of a clear-cut answer about whether he was open to us reconciling in the future. Once again couldn't tell me yes or no and just kept saying that he couldn't promise me anything and quoted the Big Book stating that he might not even be here tomorrow. Two days after that he sent me an extremely blunt message rudely saying he didn't want to talk to me anymore and that he wanted to date someone else and hoped I would understand. He said he wasn't going to respond to my texts anymore and added that if I tried to call him, he had no intention of answering my calls. I did write him back with a supportive response even though my heart was breaking because despite everything, I still truly love him and wanted to show care and concern.

Saying all of that, I have cried every day since then and my heart is in shards. I am respecting his boundaries and have not reached out, but I simply don't understand what changed so much or how he could move on so quickly to someone else after breaking up with me following such a long relationship. Also, isn't there a suggestion that alcoholics shouldn't enter new relationships for at least a year after starting treatment? In the family therapy sessions, they had even said they shouldn't end a relationship either (if they were in one) for at least a year because their brains are going through so many changes due to detoxing, etc. I know those aren't hard rules, but it seems like he is going against his own advice that he had previously shared with me about relationships during treatment.

I guess my question is really about whether this is truly so common for men who have just finished treatment and are newly sober. Are they encouraged to break up with their significant others who they were with when they entered treatment regardless of how good their relationships may have been? I know that his therapist, people in his groups, his sponsor, etc. encouraged him to find himself and do whatever he needed to in order to figure out who the "new him" is and what he really wants out of life. But I feel in doing that, they showed little to no respect for our relationship. I am hurt, yes, but also just really trying to understand and heal. Does anyone think there is a chance he will even talk to me ever again, even simply as a friend? Isn't part of the 12 Steps not causing pain or harm to others? This hasn't only hurt me, but all of our children who had already seen our families as combined and had grown to love one another as siblings. The fact that he seems to be able to sleep without a care and just carry on without a concern in the world for other people's feelings is very worrying. I even wonder if he has relapsed already but of course, there is no way to tell.

If you're still reading, I just want to send the deepest, heartfelt thanks for giving me a safe place to get this out (needless to say my own friends are pretty upset with him for hurting me so am not getting a lot of people in real life who are willing to listen). If you guys have any insight based on what I've shared, words of wisdom, or just even the smallest bit of kindness you'd feel like sharing, it would mean the world to me. Hugs to everyone else who is dealing with the horrible disease of alcoholism. I have the greatest amount of respect for everyone in the battle of recovery and love for the families and friends who support them. Even if I never hear from my ex again, I will continue to hope the best for him and will keep seeking to understand and forgive. Thanks again, everyone. <3