NoGoingBack1

Hi. I'm here because I recently split with my fiance, who I'm pretty sure is an alcoholic. He doesn't accept that he's an alcoholic, and after really awful arguments over the past few months, we ended it.

We've been together for six years, we lived together for nearly two of those (we own a flat), and we have a dog we got together. Just to give some background info, I'm 35 (f) and he's 30, so he's younger than me, which always made me feel like his drinking was down to age. Nearly five years ago, he went through a bad time with drinking, and his work gave him an ultimatum to get help. He turned up to work three hours late, drunk, one morning, which was the final straw for his work. I struggled with him being so absent at the time (even though he was there, his eyes just had this absent look), that I ended it with him over the Christmas period. We got back together after a week, he had counselling, and after a few **** months we were better than before. We didn't have any major issues for the next few years, even though he was always a big drinker. He never stood me up or cancelled plans, he was always very reliable, even though he drank heavily. When we went out together, he wouldn't really drink around me, and if he did, it would be one or two drinks then we'd go home.

Once we moved in together, during the second lockdown, things were still good. He occasionally would come home later than I would like, but our relationship was still good, he was loving, committed, loyal, and still reliable at this point.

Then last year in November, he proposed, and I said yes. I'd initially told him I wanted to get engaged by 35, as I felt like time was running out for me to have kids. So on my 35th birthday, he proposed while we were away on holiday. While away, he went down to the hotel bar three out of the four nights we were staying there. I basically hated that holiday and didn't feel like a happy, newly engaged couple. Then came December, and his drinking suddenly really escalated. I put this down to the fact that he was starting a new job in January (which paid significantly more than his current one, so he seemed to be doing very well), so it seemed like he was blowing off some steam while he could as he had some time off between jobs, plus Christmas is always a time when he drinks more.

But by the time January rolled around, I was so fed up of his drinking, especially as one night I woke up to find him passed out on the sofa with sick all over his coat and the sofa. My first thought was that he could have choked. I woke him up and he came to bed. Then the next day I told him I'm going out for a bit to decide if I still want to be with him or not. I met a friend, came back, and told him I want to be with him but if he ever brings back alcohol to the house after being at the pub and continues drinking till the morning, I'd be done. So for the next for months, to my surprise, every time he got back from the pub, he came straight to bed. We spent more time at home, together, he cooked most nights and we watched TV, like a normal couple, and we seemed very happy. In the meantime, we booked the venue for the wedding, for next summer. All seemed good.

Then in late April, we had one argument after months of not having one, and he blamed this on going out and bringing drink back to the house and staying up and drinking. Slowly, the staying up and drinking crept back into our lives. At which point, I started resenting him and feeling distant. It must have been my way of trying to protect myself. So then came the cycle of him drinking, me shouting, him drinking more and blaming the arguments for drinking. Then somehow he started trying to make an effort to make things work better, and started making plans to go out with me and our dog more. It all seemed promising again. Then during a BBQ we were having in our garden, he threw a chicken bone into the bushes, not thinking that our dog would find it and eat it. Which he did. He then got sick, and this is when I started saying hurtful things to him. I told him I wasn't sure how I felt about him any more, and that I didn't want to sleep with him any more etc. Prior to this, we'd just got back from a really nice break in Madrid, where we stayed at his friends' place, a couple he's been friends with for years. He was on his best behaviour on this particular holiday, even though he was drinking, but he never stayed up alone to drink. However, my resentment was at the back of my mind, and, again, during a tiny argument we had, I told him I wasn't sure how I felt about him any more.

To cut a long story short, I couldn't stop saying hurtful things. But we both still wanted to make things work. We finally had a heart to heart (he's very bad at communicating his feelings, he thinks it's weakness), and he told me even when things are bad with us and he doesn't have the will to try any more, he still tries. He told me he cried to a friend a week ago (even though I've never seen him cry and even when family members have passed away he hasn't cried). So I thought OK he wants to make this work, we're going to be OK. But for some reason, he just seemed not as affectionate and much quieter than before over the next few weeks. So I started picking arguments about why he was so quiet etc. Anyway, finally, things came to a head when after a huge argument I pushed him, threw his clothes on the floor and grabbed his phone out of his hand. At this point, he went to meet a friend, then messaged me saying 'let's have some space then find a new way of communicating'. So for the next few weeks, I spent all my time trying to give him space, even though it hurt. Though we'd always message if we weren't together, at this point he was no longer sending me any messages. I then went away for a week with my friends, and he hardly contacted me. I got back, and he was still extremely distant and cold. Then finally, he went out one night and didn't come home until 11am. He got home and told me he loves me but doesn't want to get married. To which I said I can't be with you then. So we broke up and I asked him to move out for a while, so he went to stay with a friend. And I went to stay with my parents for a while.

I stopped eating, and fainted on a hot day. He contacted me and I told him about it. We then met up at our flat to speak. At this point, all I wanted to do was fix things and get back to normal. I missed him and our life together so much. But he said he's done, he wants to be alone, and live alone. I tried to bargain, told him I loved him, but nothing worked. He told me he cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me, and that the age gap has finally started to show. So I asked if he's in live with me, to which he replied he doesn't know. He asked if he can stay at the flat and sleep on the sofa, and that it's my decision as he's the one who ruined the relationship. But I told him he couldn't stay. I'm the one who saved up for the deposit of the flat, and bought all the furniture etc, as he can never hold on to money, as he spends it all on alcohol and gambling. He also constantly complained about the area we lived in (he wants to live more central to London), which made me feel like he was being so ungrateful, as we have a lovely flat, a cute dog, both have good jobs, and we were happy.

Anyway, that's my story. I'm struggling a lot with the fact that he probably doesn't love me any more, as he's always been VERY loving and never doubted his love for me. We've also been through a lot as I come from a very traditional family who were opposed to us moving in together before marriage etc. So we got through all that, just to break up now? It feels like such a waste. And I know that I wouldn't have the life I wanted with him, as I wouldn't be able to trust him to have kids with, but I still can't help but think the future we planned has been stolen from me. We were in the process of planning our wedding, sent out all the save the dates, and then this happened. I'm really struggling to come to terms with it all. And i know we argued loads in the past two months, but I can't accept that he suddenly doesn't love me any more. Any advice would be hugely appreciated.