Originally Posted by
PeacefulWater12 
I set some difficult boundaries last night.
A situation suddenly came up. Instead of feeling I ought to respond immediately, I stepped back and said to the people I wanted some time to think before I replied.
That was a big deal. My old programming was that I had to reply instantly, also that my reply should be saying what I thought the people wanted to hear rather than my actual opinion and thoughts.
Sat back, anxiety racing through my body. I was unclear what was true to my real self. Sat and felt all the feelings. Gradually my real reaction started to surface until suddenly it was completely clear.
What the real me, not the old ingrained codependent/fawn/people pleaser/living in survival mode version of me felt I should give.
So then deep breath, I let the people know. My head felt it would explode as I was so far away from my old pre-programmed dysfunctional role.
They responded and completely accepted my view point and preference.
Me - huge breath out! Anxiety faded over the next hour or so.
Now I have to add here that these were healthy people I was dealing with. Toxic people would not have accepted my reply, not for one second. They never would have asked my preference, as they would have been in control and been dictating not asking. I have removed people like that from my life.
I felt pleased with how I handled it, the easy way would have been for me to go along with it all but inside I would have felt I had let myself down and disrespected myself.
It is initially harder to speak up but it is even harder if you don't as then you regret it and feel resentful of doing something you should have said no thanks to.
I think every time we do it, it gets easier as we practise, it becomes our new way of doing things.
Anyone relate to any of this?
Oh, yes, I can relate! My teens are reluctantly becoming accustomed to me needing time to respond (in my FOO and frequently with my teens, people talk over me or finish my sentences, so my old programming thinks I'm not being heard or that my opinion doesn't matter, and wants to shout an emotional response). I've had to consciously take time each time I feel pressure on my boundaries. I will often repeat back what I think I heard said to me, then if I'm not certain what my response will be I will say that I need time (I'm specific about how much) before I respond.
I find that if I can let the words sit for a moment and if I can take a few breaths or drink some water, I can let go of the old programming, feel through the feelings and let them go, and I can usually find a healthy response that respects my boundaries as well as those to whom I'm responding.
I think in this day of instant messages and instant communication it's expected we respond instantly. I have learnt to sit back and let a few minutes pass before I respond to text messages, voicemail, email so that I can be clear about my response. And of course, if it's an in - person conversation, I ask for a moment. I'm finding that my gut reaction is becoming more healthy and on target than the old programming, which still pops up, but more as a memory of how I'd once have acted, not as how I'm currently inclined to respond.