I don’t know if this is a good idea or not—others who may be wiser in this area should weigh in if not—but I was thinking about what I would do over if I had one more chance for engagement with my mom before she passed. She ended up in a nursing home due to extreme self-abuse from alcoholism and smoking—I became very estranged from her emotionally because of her treatment and taking advantage of me for many years as a codependent.
She died unexpectedly from a heart attack while I was having lunch with a co-worker, exhausted from a tough week of dealing with her silent treatment and anger, and feeling really guilty for not going over to see her that day over my lunch hour. The final punctuation of my guilt was her dying that particular time, and they called me right as the food came. Unforgettable, but somehow not unexpected really . . .
Anyway, if I could have had a final opportunity to say something to her, I would have preferred finishing with kindness and saying thank you for the good memories. Like your mother, mine was very lovely and giving at times during my childhood before the alcoholism really took hold of her mind and body.
If you don’t decide to see them in person, which is totally understandable, but still want to send your mother some sort of positive message before she passes, what about writing a letter to her that recalls some of those good things and sending her the love you still obviously have for her despite everything? It seems you could still maintain your boundary and do that—maybe make it clear you aren’t going to see them in person, but that you wanted her to know these things since you are leaving the area.
I don’t mean to suggest anything totally inappropriate for your situation, but thinking back, I wish my mom had heard those good things I remembered before she died. I did it later on—let go of my judgement, resentment, and anger towards her and spoke to her as if she was still with me.
It was very cathartic.
Forgiveness, even with uncrossable distance, heals the giver maybe more than the recipient.