Yesterday went quite well, all things considered. I met with my manager first thing to debrief, and the only reference she made to my absence was to say that she'd been keeping up with the FMLA and short-term disability correspondence and everything was on track. This was after I asked her to please reverse the regular pay I'd received for a day in the middle of that week I was home drinking. (I'd clocked in, but don't think I did a lick of work.) Working a full 8 hours after being out for a month is challenging, but I knew that, so just gave myself a few 'keep going' affirmations when I started to lag around 1:30pm. I checked off everything on my wellness whiteboard, getting double points for doing both parts of the "read or meeting" item.
Met with Daniel Tiger at the end of the workday. Although he had the opportunity more than once, he didn't acknowledge in any way that he missed some signals that I was going 'off.' I don't know how I feel about that. And yes, of course I know that Daniel didn't bring me alcohol or pour it down my throat. I also know that I was not honest with him. For these things, I take full responsibility. We're going to continue to work together until I locate a new person with his help. Writing that last sentence, I realize I could (probably should) look independently as well.
As far as the future therapist/counselor having a similar background, I was swayed by Alice Miller's advice that this should be the case. I think working with the right woman is a great idea, though it does intimidate me (or maybe because it intimidates me). I think it would be helpful if she could personally relate to at least one of the facets of my current and past struggles. Internally, I don't want her to have a history of being sexually abused, and I know that's a big 'tell.'
It's good to hear from each and every one of you. Thank you so much for caring.