Originally Posted by stacey4

I read this again this morning and wanted to add a couple more things.

HE LIED and LIED and LIED!
YOU SAY THIS IN PAST TENSE. IS HE LYING TO YOU NOW OR HAS THAT BEHAVIOR CHANGED? AT MY VERY FIRST OPEN AA MEETING ONE OF THE A'S SAID HE WAS GOING TO REVEAL A BIG SECRET TO THE AL ANON GROUP, HE WENT ON TO SAY "ALCOHOLICS LIE". THE ENTIRE ROOM ROLLED IN LAUGHTER. IT IS TRUE, THEY LIE, IT IS A SYMPTOM OF THE DISEASE. NOW, IF HE LIED WHEN HE WAS DRINKING BUT THAT BEHAVIOR HAS STOPPED OR IMPROVED GREATLY, LOOK AT IT AS PROGRESS AND GROWTH. I KNOW THE LIES FROM THE PAST ARE EXTREMELY HARD TO LET GO, THE KEY IS TO LOOK AT HIS BEHAVIOR TODAY, IF IT HAS CHANGED OR STARTED TO CHANGE, GIVE IT TIME.

He really wants to be better.
IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE THIS, THEN PLEASE GIVE HIM A CHANCE. GETTING BETTER TAKES TIME AND 60 DAYS IS ONLY THE TIP OF THE ICE BERG. TAKE EVERYTHING YOU ARE GOING THROUGH AND MULTIPLY IT BY 100 FOR HIM. IF HE IS TRYING AND YOU BELIEVE THE STATEMENT YOU MADE ABOVE, JUST BE UNDERSTANDING AND COMPASSSIONATE AND HELP HIM BY HELPING YOURSELF.

He was and still is so depressed and he can't seem to get going.
DEPRESSION IN EARLY RECOVERY IS COMMON, VERY COMMON, OR SO I WAS TOLD AND HAVE READ. IT WILL PASS IN TIME. IT PASSES QUICKLY FOR SOME BUT TAKES A LITTLE LONGER FOR OTHERS. TAKES A LONG TIME FOR THAT BRAIN FOG TO CLEAR OUT. LIKE I SAID EARLIER IT TOOK 9 LONG MONTHS FOR MY HUBBY'S FOG TO CLEAR. AGAIN I SAY, GIVE IT TIME.

We are still on the roller coaster! Some days are good and other days he just sulks all day. I know I should be more understanding but I'm just disappointed things aren't much better.
I REMEMBER THE ROLLER COASTER, NOT FUN. ONE DAY IN A DISCUSSION WITH MY RECOVERING HUBBY, I SAID I WAS TIRED OF THE ROLLER COASTER RIDE. HE LOOKED AT ME AND ASK ME IF IT WAS POSSIBLE TO DRIVE A ROLLER COASTER. I SAID NO AND HE EXPLAINED TO ME THAT THAT WAS MY PROBLEM, I WAS TRYING TO DRIVE THE ROLLER COASTER AND HE WAS RIGHT. HE TOLD ME TO SCOOT OVER AND ENJOY THE RIDE. IT MADE SENSE TO ME. THE ROLLER COASTER IS GOING TO MAKE ITS TRIP NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY AND CONTROL WHERE IT GOES OR HOW IT GOES. GOD NOW GUIDES MY ROLLER COASTER AND THE RIDE IS GETTING SMOOTHER EVERYDAY.

He's been sober 60 days this Friday
HE IS JUST BEGINNING HONEY, JUST GIVE IT TIME AND WATCH THE GROWTH. YOU WILL BE AMAZED.


He's lost all my trust and pushed me away with his behavior while high and drunk
YOU BET HE DID AND RIGHTLY SO!!! BUT....HE IS TRYING TO EARN IT BACK NOW, ARE YOU WILLING TO LET HIM. TRUST DOESN'T COME IN 60 DAYS, IT WILL COME BACK OVER MONTHS OR EVEN YEARS. I REMEMBER WANTING EVERYTHING TO BE "OK" IMMEDIATELY. WELL, SADLY, THAT WON'T HAPPEN. I WORKED HARD TO MAKE IT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. I WAS MAKING MY SELF CRAZY. THE HARDER I TRIED TO "FORCE" MYSELF TO TRUST HIM, THE WORSE IT WAS. MY PROBLEM WAS COMPOUNDED BY MY HUSBAND CONTINUING TO LIE FOR SEVERAL MONTHS AFTER HIS RECOVERY STARTED. I AM NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED WITH HIM OR IF SOMEONE IN A MEETING OR COUNSELING SAID SOMETHING, BUT I DO REMEMBER THE DAY I CAUGHT HIM TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT SOMETHING I WAS SURE HE WOULD LIE ABOUT...IT WAS A BREAK THROUGH FOR BOTH OF US.
THE TRUST HAS TO BE EARNED. I REMEMBER A COUNSELOR TELLING ME I TRUSTED HIM A LITTLE AND I REMARKED I DIDN'T TRUST HIM ANY FARTHER THAN I COULD THROW HIM. HE SAID YES YOU DO, I KNOW YOU DO. I ASK HOW AND HE REMARKED "YOUR STILL HERE." HE WAS RIGHT IF I HAD NO TRUST IN HIM AND HIS DESIRE FOR RECOVERY I WOULD HAVE BEEN GONE. YOU, MY FRIEND, DO HAVE SOME TRUST BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL WITH HIM! HANG ON TO THAT LITTLE BIT OF TRUST YOU HAVE AND WATCH IT GROW OVER TIME. IF HE CONTINUES IN RECOVERY, IT WILL GROW, I PROMISE.

I've totally fallen out of love and it isn't coming back!
YOU STILL HAVE LOVE FOR HIM. HOW DO I KNOW? YOU ARE STILL THERE AND YOU ARE ON HERE ASKING QUESTIONS AND SHOWING A GREAT DEAL OF CONCERN FOR YOU HUSBAND. WORK WITH WHAT YOU HAVE TODAY INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE AND YOU MAY FIND A LITTLE SERENITY.

Anyway, I can't afford counceling and since I found this board I thought this would be a good place to get support from others who've been there done that!
AL ANON IS FREE, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SHOW UP. THERE IS SUPPORT THERE AND EVERYONE THERE WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH AND YOUR STRUGGLES.
Stacey