Originally Posted by NewHeart

I was listening to Codependent no More which is truly a great book. I hear my story in every line.

What really stuck out for me was the parts about ruminating and anxiety. Believing one will never find a real relationship and Waiting around for others to make you feel like you have a purpose.

It stuck out to me as I was not only dating an alcoholic which was incredibly painful for me to leave but I was ruminating and controlling about my future. I am terrified to the point of having daily anxiety about never getting married and having a kid which would mean I was lonely and a loser. Listening to the book I realized mentally (but I still have the fear) that I was trying to control the negative emotions by controlling the outcome. I cannot let go of outcomes and I have been here many times before.

When I graduated undergraduate and couldn't find a good job I ruminated on being a loser and beat the hell out of myself and compared myself to all my peers who had a good job. I beat myself up about studying humanities. I didn't feel like I got past that until I graduated grad school and got my first real job years later. During that time I stayed in a relationship with a man who ignored me and cheated on me, tried to have sex with my sister and I felt trapped because I had given him my word. I kept on trying to fix the outcome of him being a good man who would marry me.

I feel that my extreme fixation on marriage and kids is me trying to fix the outcome of my life. I really just want life to unfold. I want to dream but let go of dreams if they don't work, are unrealistic, or unhealthy and still love me. But I'm telling myself I am not loveable until I have the white picket fence. I don't want to live in limbo and anxiety like I did with my job situation for years.

I'm also realizing that I am fixating on stereotypical values about being a woman and sacrificing for others and being dependent and having people who are dependent on me as being the greatest sources of love and self worth. I am seeking out people who will reinforce that...for example my long term Christian therapist who told me the greatest love of all time were kids and that the way to become an adult was to be a parent. I am a part of a hippy crunchy homebirth group where women breast feed until 5 years old. These things aren't wrong but its like Im seeking out that which stresses me out to ruminate on and beat myself up about.

I think I have become controlling around trying to find love again. I signed up for two dating apps. I hated the process especially because it felt forced and rushed. I started to pressure myself into liking these men even though I had no attraction and the majority felt desperate or dramatically socially awkward. I really just want to focus on the 12 step program and grieving my last relationship but the co dependent voice came up and said...hurry up you are not getting any younger. I'm angry that I didn't start this process at 27 and that I got involved in my last relationship and wasted time. Each day I don't have a boyfriend feels like another day wasted of not trading my youth for a relationship. I read Settle for Mr. Good Enough which is based on that whole idea that one has to get married by 33 because statistically one's chances of marriage dramatically decrease. Then friends are telling me how hard it is to get pregnant past 35. Every activity that does nit lead to meeting a man I reject even if it is something I would like to do. I do have men who want to go out on dates with me but a big part of me also wants to be left alone and just heal but as I said before trying to slow down and relax a wave of anxiety hits me and I feel like I need to work towards the outcome I want. My mother and sponsor tell me to let life unfold and God will present the right person to me but I ruminate on aging without marriage and losing my value as a woman and forever feeling the way I do now.

Codependent No More reminds me that this is not related to the external world and it is my internal world which is causing these feelings. It's not what happens but how you react. Intellectually I know that it is true but so much of me does not. I say ok yeah...but let me find a man and have a kid first then I will let go because then everything will be fixed in life. This constant rumination and fixing is an addiction. It is similar to alcoholism.

I don't know what I am asking. I know a lot of you had wonderful responses to this rumination about marriage and kids in my last thread but I guess I would like to know if people really healed fron this co dependency. Sometimes I feel like I am going to feel like this forever and I truly am having a hard time breaking this cycle of rumination. I don't like living like this or who it is making me become