JT

- Are you being yelled at? Blamed?
- Do you feel you're being humiliated in public?
- Are you being called selfish? (not doing what the other person wants)
- Are you compulsively people pleasing, complying or running away?
- Are you being called childish because you express needs and feelings?
- Are you fearful about expressing your opinion?
- Are you being put down, and grilled - "Perry Mason" style?
- Do you fell stuck because of inappropriate "compassion", "forgiveness" or
"understanding" for this person, BEFORE appropriate anger has been
expressed?
- Do you consistently feel guilty, fearful or angry with this person?
- Do you think those who are nice to you are "stupid, wishy-washy-wimps"?

ACOA'S frequently stay in abusive situations. Abusers may be parents,
employers, spiritual advisors, lovers, spouses, friends, sponsors or yes,
therapists. Abuse arises from a sick need, (frequently of someone who was
also abused) to control, vent anger, boost a sick ego, or to stamp out signs
of health, dissension, independence, love, kindness or joy--expression which
the abuser resents or doesn't understand and may thus label as "weakness".
Abuse can produce effects similar to toxic drugs: borderline functioning,
disorientation, loss of identity, depression, false confidence, no
confidence, acted out anger, lying, self isolation, or shame. Other effects
might be: to follow orders as if sleep-walking, (often against one's better
judgment) or even to perceive the abuser as "wonderful", "my protector".
A common response to abuse in ACOA'S is to blame ourselves, often in a
FIERCE Fourth Step: "dishonest, lazy, scattered, procrastinator, selfish,
intolerant, spiritual midget", and on and on. In fact, all of these
behaviors may frequently be necessary, to defend the psyche against further
disintegration, in the face of continuing abuse.

SOME SUGGESTED SOLUTIONS/ALTERNATIVES:

- Listen to your Intuition, Higher Power, Inner Child: suspect that abuse is
indeed happening if you hear rumblings
- Get outside validation that the abuse is occurring (meetings, therapists,
etc)
- Gradually gather awareness and strength to put the abuse down
- Learn NOT to pick up abuse, as an addict learns not to pick up his drink,
his food, his drugs, his work, his anger - one day at a time
- Prepare exit lines ("I have to call Chicago now"), and walk away from any
situation which threatens to become abusive

AS A RESULT, either: - the abuse will stop
- or you'll be asked to leave
- or you'll CHOOSE to leave the situation, for good!

Any of these actions will be a step towards reintegrating your personality
and living freely - and happily.

from A New York ACOA, March, 1987