Ann

I have been thinking a lot lately about my codependency and how I handle it and life today...my addicted son has been gone missing for over 10 years, lost in his addiction somewhere and I am no longer living in the chaos of all that...and yet, I find myself aware of traits that I thought were long gone, of codependency not yet addressed.

Yesterday, for example, my husband (who neither drinks nor drugs ever) had cataract surgery in one eye, the second will be done a few weeks from now. Although it is a simple procedure we were both a little nervous, as people get when having new procedures. Here's what I had to tell myself...

I am not his mother, my husband is a grown man fully capable of checking in at the desk with his health card and ID and answering the questions correctly...without my help or explanation.

He is entitled to feel how he feels, nervous is okay, edgy is okay, not wanting to talk is okay when sitting waiting to have someone do surgery on your eye...or any time he pleases. His feelings are his to share or not share...and I need to just butt out and let him be unless he asks for my help or input.

His edginess is not about ME...I need to back off and let him relax rather than take offense at his shortness or unwillingness to talk

He is capable of listening, understanding and following direction. Aftercare of his eye isn't complicated (keep it clean and safe and apply medicated drops as prescribed). I need to relax and let him take care of himself, helping only when asked. He knows I am there and will assist anytime, so I don't need to remind him or ask "are you okay?" a hundred times.

He is entitled to his opinions and thoughts about anything. He doesn't have to agree with me. My way and thoughts aren't the only way and because we have a difference of opinion doesn't make one of us right and the other wrong...it means we think differently about something...and that is okay, it's human and we should respect each other with dignity.

I think you get the gist. It's really true that I no longer run the world, but I need to remember that and stop trying to care for everyone, particularly those who don't want or don't ask for my help. Do you see from the highlighted parts that indeed I do play a part in how the day and situation goes? I am responsible for my part, for my actions and reactions, and need to remain aware of that.

Sometimes it's good to just encourage or support what another person wants, especially when the situation is about them and not us

Sometimes it's good to just back off, be quiet, and let the other person process their own thoughts and information...and not sit there in a funk because they want to do it on their own.

My time will come, with my own medical stuff (we are both well today but have a lot of follow up stuff after our cancers) and I realize even now, typing this that all those things above that I need to remind myself of...are things my husband already knows and does. Not a codependent bone in his body...I could learn from him.

I thought I'd share this here because our codependency isn't all about another person's addiction, it's about US and how we feel and how we respond and interact with others. I use the 12 step program in my recovery, but what I learned is that I need to practice my recovery in all areas of my daily life.

What about you...what lessons have you learned about yourself and codependency that simply apply in everyday life...are you, like me, still learning after all these years?