A few years ago, I was in a toxic relationship with an ABF. I got help here and in therapy.
Here’s an enlightening story:
we were on the therapists couch. J was a very controlling partner (I’m still ashamed how manipulated I was, and at some level I knew it, but didn’t want to see it or the extent).
One little issue I brought up was that after I worked all day, scooted my kids around, drove 20 miles each way to stay (and pay exorbitant rent btw for half a bed and a space in the driveway), J said go ahead and put the coffee in and set it up to brew in the morning. I said no, I’m too tired, and it doesn’t take but a minute to do that in the morning. He screamed, said what a DISASTER that would be, told me how unorganized I was (mind you, he wasn’t working at all, except working on manipulating me).
I went ahead and set up,the coffee, as tired as I was, even when I didn’t want to.
My gripe to therapist was how he yelled and demeaned me. It was clear to me, he was the jerk.
Therapist said, and what was YOUR part in this?
Im thinking, WTF!?!?!.
I told therapist scenario again, then realized my part.
I MADE THE COFFEE ANYWAY. I WASNT TRUE TO MYSELF. I WASNT TAKING CARE OF MYSELF. I was only pleasing ABF, and in doing so let part of my soul go with it.
Please, know it’s ok to take care of yourself, it’s hard to break old patters, but you can do it. You’ll feel so much better.