Originally Posted by
velma929 
Trying to forgive or not forgive his family is entirely up to you, of course. I'd point out that not forgiving them isn't hurting them, at all, but maintaining the grudge is siphoning energy away from YOUR life.
You assume his family is awful, (they may be). He may not have told you the truth about them. They, too, may have been at their wits' end trying to think of a way to help him, or they may have just given up. You believe they abandoned him. In fact, they had as much control over him as you did: zero.
Your first step to finding a grave is the logically labeled, "Find a Grave." You know his name, birth and death years. I have ordinary people in my family, and my family members are listed. His family may or may not have had a funeral. They may have had him cremated and not buried him yet; I dithered about for three years before having my husband interred. Or if he had some particular fondness for a place, his ashes may be scattered and there's no grave to find. Anyway, it's worth a shot.
Just to clarify - given enough time, I am very good at compartmentalizing, and it works pretty well for me. I will never forgive his family, but I can forget about them. Kind of like...they're dead to me?
Regarding his awful family: I knew them. We grew up in the same area. They were not at their wits' end trying to help him. Two of his three siblings were alcoholics as well. He was definitely problematic, but I'll never know why his problems were considered worse than his siblings' problems. Here's something that happened that was totally unrelated to him: His nephew, who is a famous singer but completely out of his mind, went to Florida to pick up his mother (Steve's sister) and drive her to California where he lives. The whole way, he was livestreaming the trip on Instagram. That was all fun and games until the nephew suddenly decided that he was fed up with his mom and kicked her out of the car just inside the Arizona border. She convinced him to at least drive her to Phoenix, where Steve lived, and he just dropped her off there. She had no money, a bunch of puppies...it was messed up. This isn't hearsay - I watched it happen. Steve was in no position to help her. Her other brother, who I went to high school with, wouldn't help her. So all three of them were living in the same house and fighting constantly. It was insane.
That's just one story of many.
I tried Find a Grave, but nothing. He could only be buried in one of two cemeteries, but I'm just not up for moving backwards right now. I'm pretty sure he was, indeed, buried. I have a high degree of certainty that the reason I couldn't find anything out was because a) obituaries cost money, and I can't see any of them paying for it, and/or b) they figured I would try to crash the funeral, which I wouldn't have, for obvious reasons. The family is very big on who is and who isn't allowed at funerals to begin with, a quirk that pre-dates me by years. They even had a **** list for his father's funeral. I know a lot of people come on here saying they know this or that, but this clan is bananas. Truly. I'm not going to disclose names, but if I did, you could see their antics captured all over the internet.
I do appreciate your response. You're not wrong about holding a grudge, and it needed to be said.