30 days of sobriety - day zero.
Wednesday the 8th of December marked my 30 days free from alcohol and drugs. My drug of choice was mainly cocaine but I'd take most things if offered. I work in a pub and after a week away in a detox centre (day 4 there marked the longest I'd been sober in 10 years) I returned home and started a shift 2 hours later. The pub itself wasn't the trigger, surprisingly. A friend coming in for a pint and a request that I call my dealer for him was. I've realised now that I can be around alcohol, I can be around drunk people. But people I used to drink and get high with are what awaken that voice in my head saying 'just one', 'you've been doing so well, you've earnt it'. And I've managed to ignore that voice for 30 days. I even gave up smoking a few days after I got home!
I had a good day Wednesday. I met my mum for a coffee in the morning (something we've done almost everyday after a 3 mile walk around the lake with my dog at Tatton Park). I then went home, read for a bit (something else I've been able to do again with my newfound sobriety and clarity of mind). I then had a nap, woke up and went to work.
Half an hour after I'd started my shift, a couple of friends came in for a drink - one of whom is a coke dealer. The voice piped up: 'just for tonight, you're not even working tomorrow. Just this once and then it's out of your system.' We argued for less time than I care to admit and then I gave in. I've been very vocal about my sobriety - in part because it's become my identity since drinking and sniffing no longer is what I spend my waking hours thinking about, waiting to do, doing and regretting. However, the other reason is for accountability. So, I had to think of a lie, a solid reason that I'd need to buy drugs from someone when I was my new, sober self. I said it was for someone else (which I know sounds like 'my dog ate my homework' level of ********) but people do and have asked me before so no one was any the wiser or even suspicious.
The coke sat in my pocket, burning a hole in my mind for the rest of my shift - a good few hours. I've never enjoyed cocaine without drinking so next on my mission of deception was how to obtain the booze.
I'm in a pub! Easy! But again, everyone is proud of me, rooting for me. Which for the first time in 30 days pissed me off. 'Just let me have one night off, for ****'s sake.'
So, I found a recipe online (I've been cooking a lot lately). It required 400ml of red wine - not that anyone asked for the proof. I put 2 large glasses of Malbec through the till, decanted them into a pint glass and took it home, with a 'ugh, this stinks' thrown in for good measure as I left.
As I type, I've been home over an hour, drank said wine and had a couple of lines. I don't feel bad yet but I know I will tomorrow. Physically and mentally. I'm frustrated, disappointed but also in some strange way I'm relieved. My first (and hopefully last) relapse is out of the way. Now I can remind myself why I'm choosing a life of sobriety.
I'm 26 years old, I've taken drugs and drank since I was 15 and 30 days is by far my longest stint of sobriety. There is absolutely no doubt that I felt 100% better for it, but I miss my old life. I loved drinking alone, listening to my music, finally able to respond to those ignored texts and calls. But I had hit rock bottom too many times.
Underweight, pale, blotchy, anxious, depressed, suicidal, even psychotic at certain stages.
I'm disappointed in myself, yes. Overwhelmed, scared. But I made a mistake and I hope - I will - learn from this and take each day as it comes.
Kiana