Well I went to his place yesterday very upset. Of course when I'm upset he doesn't try to find out what is wrong in a kind, gentle way as a loving non-A would do, he looks at me and says that if I'm there to try and interfere with his recovery then I should just leave and walk out the door (btw, his recovery is only in his own mind. No AA meetings in over a month and he drinks more than he will ever admit). Never mind that he knows I've hardly been able to eat or sleep the last week. Denial, denial, denial! He has to know he's caused it by his actions but doesn't want to hear it.
I told him in a very quiet voice that I found out who the 6 calls were to, because I read the newspaper and found the ad with the phone number. Then he denied he made these calls at all. "I don't know where you got that information." So I handed him the ad attached to his cell phone records. He glanced at it then just sat there with a stupid look on his face. I asked why no response, couldn't he think up a lie fast enough? Then he admitted he had called them, but just for fun, because he was bored and he had no intention of ever getting a hooker. He just wanted to find out what they were about because he was "curious". And besides, where would he even get money to pay a hooker??
Well, considering he's been gone from here for 9 weeks and has put only $100.00 into the bank since then, he holds down a full-time job and his rent is 2/3 of what he was paying here, I think he should have a LOT of money left over every week.
But now, he's given me his paycheck and asked me to deposit it in the bank. He kept out next to no cash and since this is a joint account he knows that I can always look to see if he's taken out money. He owns no credit cards and can't get any. I told him if he didn't want me snooping at his cell phone records to change his password and he refused.
All this points to him actually getting this hooker, then having deep regret the next day. He is angry because I found out but is taking steps to make sure that he never does this again. But he will and we both know it. His porn addiction doesn't work for him anymore and instead of turning to me, he would rather pay a hooker. I find that disgusting and even sicker than his alcoholism.
I know the end is very near and I'm teetering on the fence. Living with him in my life is making me physically ill and living without him will be so hard because I do love him even though I have no idea why most of the time. I am just really tired of being alone.