Hi Kittencat,
I'm so sorry you've experienced physical abuse from someone you should be able to trust, and at a time when you are already coping with very difficult emotions. I'm sorry for your loss of your mom, you are going through a lot right now.
A long time ago, I was backhanded by an Abf and then he raged at me. He calmed down a while later, told me he loved me, said all nice things and I thought he was truly sorry, and he would never do it again. A few weeks later, he got angry again. That time he didn't hit me, but raged at me and threatened to take our daughter away from me. I left him, as soon as he left our home, and it was safe to leave.
I talked to a domestic violence worker, and I've never forgotten what they said - that abuse happens in a cycle, and that the cycle NEVER stops happening, but gets increasingly worse over time. There will be an incident of anger and possibly violence, then a "honeymoon" when things are calm, and the abuser is saying sorry and making nice. Then tension builds until there is another violent episode.
I experience chronic anxiety, and what I've learned about anxiety is that its my body's response to danger, and that I will keep experiencing anxiety until I'm in a safe place (I'm still working on getting to a safe place myself) - I hope that you can find a safe place as soon as possible, because this is a really horrible way to live. And it's exhausting.
Do you have another friend you can stay with? If there's no where to go, you can phone your local women's shelter and they will help you. Sending hugs
