I met with the lawyer yesterday and started the process to file for separation. My AH husband wanted me to ask the lawyer some questions- like could he represent both of us to make it less expensive, and some other stuff since neither of us have any real knowledge of the process. After work I went home to discuss with him. I didn't leave a scrap of doubt that this is what I'm doing. I've paid the lawyer half the money from money I had set aside for a rainy day/emergency fund. My sisters will help me out if need be until I get back on my feet.
I explained the process of what happens now that I filed for separation to my AH including alimony. He is not pleased. All he sees is that he is now having to pay me money. I attempted to explain alimony and division of property as it was explained to me. He eventually determined he should probably seek out his own counsel, yup... I pushed to go ahead and tell the kids, he had been delaying on this. I really think he thought he could still convince me to change my mind.
We were able to meet the kids for dinner, it was outdoor seating and no one was eating outside so we had some privacy. My daughter had already picked up on changes in our relationship and was trying to get me to tell her before we got there. (Either a little investigator/ too involved/ may have been told before hand by someone other than me- I'm not sure which)
My AH indicated he wouldn't start the conversation, no surprise there. He hasn't been in charge of the family ever. I told them I filed for separation, my daughter immediately went on the offensive. I don't even remember everything she asked. But it was mean and accusatory- much like her father is. I answered what was appropriate honestly and if it couldn't be answered I said that it was something between her father and I and she didn't need to be a part of that (meaning he's an alcoholic and I can't be married to him anymore). Her father answered once and said "that he tried".
I let that slide until we got in the car and calmly reminded him of what he said in front of the kids and that it wasn't appropriate since it made me look like I hadn't tried and that he didn't want to start the blame game.
My son was wonderful, I had no idea all these years he had been quietly observing and learning to be open minded and more compassionate than I ever realized, he's an engineering major so thats a big thing for engineers. He interrupted his sister to remind her that people need to be happy, he explained that divorce at this stage in life isn't all that uncommon. He didn't seem surprised by this. I think he understands the bigger picture more than I realized, I thought he was more self absorbed and in his own world. He tried to understand why my headaches and stress has been a problem but the other 2 kept interrupting. With the medication I’m on I struggle to stay on topic anyway, I didn't think about going back to what he asked until just now. I will reach out to him to see if he wants/needs clarification. He probably won’t, but I want to make sure his question was answered. He defended me, no one has defended me ever that I can remember, that brings tears to my eyes as I type it.
My AH and I talked on the way home about what we need to do to the house to get it ready to list it. It was cordial, he is upset, he hates to lose. And part of him sees it as losing, the salesman can't stand to lose the big sale, not mention the money he earned that will have to go to me. I get it.
My daughter reached out to me when I got home and she didn't want to talk but she would text. I don't know why, maybe she was still too upset to talk? She kept asking questions I wouldn't answer because they required painting her Dad in a negative light. She knows he's an alcoholic, she knows he can be a miserable controlling person to be around but I'm not going to bash him to her. So I put it in writing that there are details I won't discuss with her and if she has specific questions she can sit down with us and see if we can answer them together, but that some things are better left alone or unsaid. I tried to reassure her that we are all going about our normal routines and she should too- go to class, study be a college kid. School is your priority and we will continue to make sure you can go to school, that won't change. Things may be different but they will be ok. She suggested we, AH & I go to a therapist, there again that's between her Dad and I. I said I'm not blowing you off but things have been discussed and choices made for a reason and I can't get into those reasons. Some things just aren't for me to say. (I wont go to therapy with an alcoholic who isn't in recovery. She then suggested therapy for us. Ok- why? what do you want to get out of therapy? I feel like this is her roommate talking but ok…She said “Just someone to talk to that isn't emotionally involved”. (I think it's a ploy to get her Dad & I into therapy together but we'll see) We ended with don't let the bed bugs bite, sweet dreams, I love you- I used to tell her that every night before bed. I worry she has some codependent characteristics, and her Dad will manipulate every one of them if she isn't careful. Maybe a good therapist with addiction knowledge would be a good idea?
I am at peace with this. I don't like that the kids are affected obviously but in time they will understand and know that it was for the best. There is a small sliver of doubt that the medications I take are masking some of the raw emotion and making this easier but when talking to my sisters they say no. That they knew when they had had enough and when they were done they were done and nothing was going to change that.
I took the dog with me, she was so happy to see the kids, she couldn't decide which one she wonted to love on first or the most. She kept running from one to the other, tail wagging 90 mph. they both had smiles ear to ear, she definitely did her part in making them feel loved and cherished for a few moments. Maybe I have a comfort dog on my hands, the jumping part would have to be worked on but she loves people and making them happy.
Thanks all, I will keep posting as things progress. It’s a process and it’s not over by any means. I told my AH that, we need to be friendly and I don't hate him, I really don't. I am a little more than indifferent because he is the father of my kids and I will need to remain in contact. I want him to succeed in his recovery whatever that looks like.