I put me first
Good morning all,
Writing from the cabin, I moved some of my stuff yesterday after telling my AH that I was leaving and contacting a lawyer Monday about separation. He was floored, he wants me to wait until we've had a chance to work on things. He has changed his mind he does have a problem and he does need help but not AA not rehab, he will be accountable to a friend/ pastor of his choosing. He said he hasn't had a drink and admits he has "alcohol use disorder" and his mood will improve after he gets through the withdrawal stage. I let him talk and have his say, and acknowledged that this is a relatively new concept for him but reminded him that I have been dealing with the issue of his drinking for many years and that time has run out. I told him my head was starting to hurt due to the stress of the conversation it was lengthy, (my jaw was clenched to keep from reacting) He thought it was a just an excuse. And I said bye. Of course I didn't sleep well. It will take time to get to the peace I am seeking, I knew it wouldn't happen immediately, but this was the first step. I will stay firm in putting me first for the first time in 20+ years. My parents, my Dad (not sure about my Mom she remains neutral) aren't supportive but I have 2 wonderful sisters who are supportive and have been in similar situations (something to wonder about at a later date that we all chose partners that abuse alcohol). Telling the kids will be awful but necessary. I am leaving it up to him to decide what he wants to say. It will become more difficult as time goes on but I comfortable telling them we are separating due to his drinking, my health or we aren't getting along- all are true.
He still is trying to come up with other reasons for my headaches that are not related to him or his drinking. Not taking responsibility for his actions, blaming others- just shows me he is still in addict thought process. Which is to be expected without help but if he has done the research and made all these great strides then he should at least start to realize his actions have consequences and he should take responsibility for them. Something I tried to instill in the kids at a very young age. When you do wrong- own it and apologize and try not to do it again.
Today is a new day. I am cleaning my new space and getting situated. I will need to get groceries and figure out a way to get the grass cut. The mice have been visiting, mice traps are on the list too. He is going to deliver a dryer we told my Aunt she could have before all this happened. I will have make sure he knows he can't just pop by anytime he feels like it. Boundaries.