i found this thread so helpful. Thank you so much edoering!
There are so many misconceptions that this only happens to women, with alcoholic or abusive men, but I am an older guy and have had most of these issues my entire life. They definitely got worse after 45, and I'm 66 now. I had a really messed up, chaotic childhood with multiple caregivers, loss of my older sister when I was 4, and absent, alcoholic father. My problems are mostly with relationships - my career was successful because of course I never said no, and always exceeded expectations.
But in relationships I am classic ACOA - have a very hard time setting boundaries and asking for what I need, or saying no, or being vulnerable. I tend to jump into them, then I get steamrolled or emotionally abused, because of course the women I am attracted to are often emotionally needy but also demanding and aggressive, sometimes even emotionally abusive. I suspect they see me coming a mile away. Despite that, I often find it hard to leave, and feel tremendous guilt, not wanting to disappoint the other person. I blame myself for all of it.
i'm a caregiver too, currently helping support my younger brother and a single mom that I dated for several years. I supported my long term gf before that also.. I know that just enables people to be more dependent, but I have to help. I have spent a considerable amount of time in therapy to little avail because I know what's wrong but I can't take action to stop. I have also drank alcohol most of my life, although not really excessively, just regularly.. mostly to quell my emotional swings, as well as huge disappointment with myself and my personal relationships.
So thank you again. That information, and your excellent interpretation, helped me.