New and Needing Help
I'm brand new here and here because I realize that I need the advice and support of those that have walked this path before me.
I have an almost 25 year old that is an alcoholic. He has always lived with me and because of mental health issues probably always will. In high school he had two separate inpatient stays for talking about killing himself. He has been deemed permanently disabled. He has spent the last decade trying medication after medication with little to no results. Then he turned to drinking. I understand that addiction and mental health issues frequently go together but I am sharing all of this to illustrate why I feel like certain advice is more difficult to enact. Our family consists of me, my son above, and my younger son (22).
Alcoholism sort of snuck up on my family, with normal drinking, then more but still within a "normal" range, then too much but probably par for someone his age, then just too much, then way too much, then a problem, then a really serious problem, and then so much that it consumed our family.
I did all the things you shouldn't do. I tried to love it out of him. I tried to talk to him---so many times. I tried to hold all of my feelings inside because I do know enough about addiction to know it is a personal journey. I encouraged him to get help. And all the while he drank more and more. He gained 50lbs, lived on delivery despite available food in the house, went on benders for days at a time.
Today, he has finally entered outpatient recovery (he won't do inpatient), has received a Vivitrol injection to help with cravings, and is back talking to a therapist. He had 12 days sober (and it was rough) and then relapsed. That was it for me---not a last straw but the moment that I could no longer hold it inside. I begged him not drink, cried uncontrollably, had all kinds of crazy thoughts about how to intervene---and then a moment of clarity where the thing I told myself all of this time finally sank in--You can't do it for him and he won't stop until he WANTS to stop. I knew this cerebrally all along, but that was the moment that my heart accepted it. He went straight to his room and started drinking. We didn't speak the rest of the night. I didn't check on him like I'd done for the last 2 years---most times just to see if he was still breathing (literally).
The next morning I sat down and created a spreadsheet--first page listed 4 commitments I made--unconditional love (but not enabling), support for positive steps (but not trying to do the work), help navigating insurance, etc. (but again not doing the work), and continuing to fight for him even when he doesn't---never giving up on him. The second page was 3 rules--no alcohol in my house (I will pour it out if I see it--and I have done this), no intoxication in my house (if he chooses to drink, he can't do it here), and that he MUST keep his appointments with his doctors, therapists, and psychiatrist. There were more details but that's the idea.
Things went well for 11 days--then Friday after I went to bed, he went out and bought alcohol and brought it into my house. It's a long story but i somehow knew in my gut and then all the little signs popped up, so I unlocked his door and went in---he was passed out and there was a nearly empty bottle. True to my word I took it and poured out the rest. Then I had to process because I'm new at this part. What I should have done was wake him up and tell him to leave until he was sober but I didn't get there. I was angry--I cried--I felt lost, AGAIN. Finally, I did wake him up and confronted him not about drinking but about disrespecting me by breaking my rules. I told him that next time he would be asked to leave until sober---and I know that fell on deaf ears. I can't not hope this was the last time, but I know it's highly unlikely that it is even close to the last time.
I am trying, but I still don't feel like I'm there and if I'm honest, despite taking back some control---fear rules my life. Believe it or not I have detached greatly, but I'm cognizant that it is not enough and I'm working on that.
So if you made it through that novel, thank you for "listening". I am open to all advice.