I don't view marriage (or long term relationships) as codependent. I view them as "inter-dependent" which is different. Choosing to live lives together and work out a division of labor is a different experience from the codependency I had with Late AH. Codependency, to me, would be staying in a bad relationship because I didn't see a way to be alone, or I would rather be in a bad relationship than have no relationship at all. Now I can admit my errors and walk away, admit I can't change someone else or control anyone but myself. Codependent Velma was consistently disappointed that her husband didn't live up to her standards (or maybe just a teensy bit of her felt superior to the addict she was married to? Maybe that's a draw, as well?) Yes, I took my marriage vows seriously. That doesn't give me the right to demand someone change him- or herself to suit me, or the power to make it happen. Now I understand it wasn't Late AH's job to live up to my standards - it was my responsibility to get out of a relationship where the person simply couldn't function well enough to meet my needs.
The columnist Ann Landers used to opine, "Marriage isn't reform school. Your spouse will be like your fiance' -minus the halo and wings." I accept Current Guy for who he is: not perfect, but our morals and expectations of one another mesh. I'm not out to *change him into the person I want to be with.* My self-esteem isn't based on making my marriage work, or making it appear that my marriage works. If things were to turn in another direction, now, instead of hectoring Current Guy into being the person I want, I'd wave good-bye. I'd do it sadly, because I'd probably still love him, but I'd do it.
In the midst of the worst of my depression I was seeing a psychologist. He asked a telling question: "Why are you still married to this person?" I just looked at him. He finally said, "You're getting something out of it." It was true, and it's true for people even in unhealthy relationships. Whether it's financial security, or the appearance of a great marriage, or status, or not wanting to admit a mistake, the reason is there.
I guess - people in interdependent relationships walk away when it no longer serves them. People in codependent relationships stay.
I readily admit mistakes now. Hard for me, but I'll bet people who've known me over the years find me much more pleasant to be around now.