An addict's autonomy
I've thought of a question I wanted to pose to you guys, and decided to put it here since I post in this forum so often.
We often talk about the three C's (didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it) on here, and how we -the loved ones- are not the reason our addict uses (alcohol in this case). We say how an alcoholic can only stop drinking when they are ready and choose to do so. Conversely, I also read about addiction being a brain disease that overtakes the addict's ability to resist their drug of choice. As a family member, we're told about creating supportive environments for recovery, and controlling your enabling. What I'm posing to you guys, is where do you draw the line for an addict's autonomy? If the addict is only able to stop drinking when they choose to stop, but your actions also constitute enabling, who takes responsibility for what?
I'll try to give a few scenarios to make my ideas a little more clear. I'll use myself as the loved one, and my AH as the addict, though I'm not going to base these on any real occurrences.
Setup: My AH and I both want to attend a party. We both know he is trying to abstain from drinking. We decide to attend anyways, since we want to see the people there.
Scenario 1: When we arrive, I decide to have a beer when one is offered. My AH sees this, and sees the others drinking around him.
-If he accepts a drink, would you say at this point he is responsible for that choice? Does my deciding to drink in front of him have any bearing on your answer?
-What if he didn't want to go because he knew there would be drinking, but I pressured him to join and see these friends? How much responsibility would I hold in that case?
Scenario 2: We split up upon arrival. I seek out a beer on my own and am socializing while drinking it. I think this particular flavor of beer is one my AH would have enjoyed before sobriety.
-If I offered him a drink of it, who holds more responsibility if he accepts it? Does my inability to control his drinking only count towards my attempts to stop it? By offering the drink, has the dynamic changed enough that I would be responsible, or does he still take full responsibility, since he could still say no to this offer?
-Would your answer to that question change if someone offered him a drink at the party didn't know he was trying to abstain? If so, what makes those situations different?
-How much control over his choices does he have to be held responsible for, vs it being a result of his disease? How much of a conscious choice is it to cave to a craving and drink?
I've been thinking about this sort of thing a lot, particularly when reading through the shift in my thinking and responses from when I first joined compared to now. I have switched back and forth a lot on my stance regarding an alcoholic's autonomy as the situation between my AH and I has progressed and changed. All of our experiences, advice, sayings and interactions have many levels to them, and I realize these scenarios are arbitrary, slightly extreme choices. I wanted to push it a bit though because we talk so much about the balance between our choices, our addict's choices, and how they influence one another. I realize fault and blame and responsibility and such can all become a bit tangled with examples like these, but I hope it'll be an interesting thought experiment.
What are your thoughts?