When my husb does show anger it catches me way of gaurd too. I have to say there were many chirstmas's that I was the one who put the bikes together , he was to drunk and many kid events that I went to alone, he was drunk. I actually got to the point where I did not want him to come because he smelled like alcohol or he would not be able to walk straight. But I now understand I was just enabling him by making excuses as to why he wasn't there,ie: dad had to work on the computer from home, I got real good at it.
Today for instance, I took down all the xmas lights from off the roof , all the decorations inside and out and drug them up to the attic(I have a two story so this was a lot of work by myself) and when I was done around 5:30 he wanted a homemade dinner, so I made it and he passed out before it was done. Being married to an AH is my choice I know this but I love him, and I don't know how to change that. I feel your frustration and I so understand.