hope4

Hi, All of this is new to me and I really don't know where to begin but help & support is something I'm looking for.

My parents have had problems for the past couple of years. It was my senior year of high school when this all began. At first the issue wasn't a big deal to me. My parents divorcing didn't seem like it was really going to bother me much. What bothered me is seeing my mother down. My family is overall pretty close. My relationship with my mom though has always extended my relationship with my dad. I love my dad but I could never have the closeness with him that I've had with my mom. After a year had passed one thing led to another and my mom became really depressed. She wouldn't want to admit it but she was. It came to the point where I would not even leave my house on the weekends or go out with friends because I wanted to stay home and comfort my mom.

I have two older brothers that have been through a lot too. One of them still living at home, the other one living close by. My parents talked all the time about leaving one another but it would never happen. Yeah, my dad would leave a night or two but he'd be back the next day and they'd pretend that everything was just normal again. This became a routine for me and my brothers. Just when things seemed to get better, they would actually get worse. My parents are the type of people to attend business parties, where drinking occured. My mom has always been the type of person to never drink. Not only did she teach me not to but she herself was never fond of it. My mom ended up drinking socially and to me it was never a big deal at first because at the time I had friends who drank and I didn't think it was going to hurt my parents to drink a little with their friends. I've always been the type of person that didn't drink. Most of my friends drink of course but I've always been the one to watch out and look over them while doing so.

My mom ended up drinking more and more often. She would go months without it but one bad month would come and it just seemed like it wouldn't end. We were used to seeing our parents fight but when mom had been drinking, it'd just make it all the worse. My dad was upset with her for drinking like she had been while she was just bringing up past issues to be thrown up in his face. I can't even count the number of fights I've seen or been in myself. Our house has been destroyed pretty much and it has becoming sort of depressing. We have a pretty nice house but sometimes I just hate being here. I'd rather just live somewhere small and away than here anymore..

Back to the point, my mom developed a drinking problem. It wasn't even like her. She would wake up the next morning and pretend nothing had even went on. She was always ashamed of herself for it. If I ever brought it up, she'd just cry and cry about how sorry she was. Ya know.. I wanted to believe her, in fact, I did believe her. But after one too many times, you just get to the point where you.. can't. I love my mom more than anything in this entire world. I'm a Christian and I do believe God will and is helping my mom. I believe, for some reason, I was put through these situations for a reason. I don't think God is going to give me something I can't handle. I am now almost in my third year of college and life feels like it will never be the same again. I don't really get to do as much as I like. I've avoided friends for quite some time. My boyfriend is very close with my family, he's witnessed almost as much as the rest of us.

Life just isn't what it used to be. My life now consists of watching my mother, staying at home to make sure she's not alone, missing classes, missing work.. just everything has changed. I don't want to complain about it because I truly believe I experience these things for a reason but I'm just scared of where it is all going. My mom ended up getting to the point where she couldn't even go to work. She would hide liquor bottles all over the house just to have something when she felt depressed. We are constantly searching our house when she's not looking. I can't even count the number of bottles my brother and I have had to get rid of. We never thought it would lead to this or get this bad but it did. My mom had been on anti-depressants and some other medication which didn't mix well with alcohol. She got to the point one week where she couldn't even get out of bed. It was just like she was always out of it. My mom is a very hard working woman but it led to the point where she didn't even get up for work. She'd just yell tell them I quit.. things she would never say or do. My mom's work ended up giving her a sick leave which she is still on. That happened back in the summer. I went back to college this past fall, I have an apartment but I rarely stay in it due to having to come home. Grades have always been really important to me but my mom and alcohol definitely took its toll on me this past semester. I just got to the point where I wanted to quit everything.. I've dedicated my whole life to helping my mom. My whole family has.. when any of us are off work, we stay with her. My boyfriend usually comes to my house so we can spend time together because it's hard to even go anywhere. In November, it came to the point where we would have to hide keys from her so that she wouldn't leave in the mornings to get alcohol and bring it back before anyone woke up. I was usually the one who stayed with her. My dad and brothers both worked and I had classes but I just didn't care. One morning I woke up and my mom was gone. This wasn't the first time this had happened but I was so alert on it happening. I set my alarm clock for about 5 am just so I can wake when she does. I woke up at 8 that morning and my car was gone. I had hid my keys and they were gone too. I called her cell phone about a 100 times and got nothing. The phone in the house was off the hook, I'm guessing that was so my dad couldn't call to check up on her. After that incident and finally finding her, I begged my mom to go stay with her brothers.

My mom went to Ky to stay with some of her brothers and it really was a good thing for her. She stayed for almost two weeks and with that she had no way to get alcohol. I also forgot to mention that one time she did go to the hospital because of this but they ended up releasing after she got better.. I didn't want my mom to come home from her brother's. It was a week before Christmas and I went down to visit her with my aunt. She wanted so badly to come home and it's hard not to feel sorry for your own mom. She promised me she wasn't going to drink. She said she just wanted me to have a good Christmas... I believe her, I really do. I know my mom and I know her better than she knows herself most the time but part of me just felt like she would use things against me just to get alcohol. I don't know, it's confusing. My mom ended up coming home, my dad was all excited but I knew something would go wrong at some point or another.. We didn't let my mom drive to go anywhere. She did really well for a long time. Until one day when my dad had her drop him off to pick up a car (he owns a car dealership) after dropping him off, she said she was going shopping. I knew better.. I had a final that day which is a bit a ways off so I had called her continuously until I could make it home. Nonetheless when I got home, she wasn't completely drunk but almost there. I always bring it up to her. I always say why.. why did you do this again? That day I was just in shock, I wanted to believe her promise so bad. Her behavior continued like this until all the alcohol was gone. I searched for most of it and found it but there were still hidden places where she had kept it. After that day, again.. she did really well. She explained to me things I don't want to share but just the way she felt before she drinks, why she feels she has to, the urge she has, etc..

I was still in shock that it had actually happened.. I was so hurt but I wanted to help her all at the same time. I wanted to be angry with her but be there for her too. Everything just seems impossible. I take each day one at a time. I'm not sure what my future holds with a career. My ambitions used to be so high but now until my mom continues to be alright.. I've dedicated my life with this. Everyday is different. I wake up each morning hoping my mom is alright. She still doesn't drive.. which that makes me feel bad to like we punish her but access to alcohol is not something I'm willing to just be okay with. She's been sober now for a week or maybe a little more. You just never know what's going to happen.

I'm sorry I babbled on and on about this but I was just searching some things and ended finding this forum. Anyone who would like to share help or anything is much appreciated. Thanks.