Welcome, frostfire. It sounds to me like you have a very clear view of your situation ... dissatisfied with life, and drinking to escape that dissatisfaction, despite not wanting to drink. Stopping drinking completely will give you the best opportunity to address that dissatisfaction directly. I found it was only when I completely stopped drinking, and started facing that stuff head on, that I could make any progress in understanding and changing my situation. Some things I could change, and did ... for other things, I had to learn to change my reaction to them. The good news is, in the long run it can be very satisfying and rewarding to learn to do these things. There may be some uncomfortable times early on, as you take away your "escape valve" ... but I can tell you it's worth it. Welcome to SR.