Or maybe I should say "To state my gut feelings and leave the room or NOT to state my gut feelings and leave the room?
I'll try to make long story short, but ya'll know me....lol
Daughter revealed to me on Monday, the week of finals at college, that she just quit going to class 2-3 weeks ago. Great, just great. Made it that far and quit because she 'was in a bad place." Ok, I didn't freak out. Knew she had been struggling, but she didn't explain what 'being in a bad place' really means. My gut tells me EXACTLY what it means...a slip. Ok, I still haven't freaked out. She cried and cried saying, "I'm just such a screw up. I just wanted to PROVE TO EVERYONE I could do it." RED FLAG time for me. You'll understand why in just a minute.
Last week she had a really bad day and called me crying. She called her sponsor and went to meetings after meetings, so she said. I haven't a clue when to believe her anymore.
But here is what I don't know how to handle. I know honesty is a huge part of the program, her's and mine. I KNOW she is the only one who can work her program. But the thing that really ticks me off is IF she is 'working' her dad and I by lying to us, manipulating us. (You'd think I'd be able to recognize manipulation completely by now, wouldn't you? I'm telling you, she is a GREAT actress!) She's confessed to some stuff like quitting classes in the last 2 weeks of the semester. Well, she had to. She knew grades would come sooner or later. But she has not admitted a slip. Now keep in mind I know that I AM NOT the one to have to know this. But she is still proclaiming she will have 6 months sobriety this Friday. RED FLAG. My daughter has ALWAYS hated admitting failure. I am 99.9% sure her pride is keeping her from admitting to her AA friends, including her sponsor, that she needs to pick up a white chip. Am I wrong in thinking that she's never going to conquer this thing if she isn't honest with herself and at least those in her AA group? That is what upsets me the most. I've been lied to before and it's continuing. I'll handle it. But if she's lying to herself and trying to fool others...well, I just don't think that's how you gain true sobriety. And yes, yes, Yes, I KNOW that is her's to figure out.
But do I tell her what my gut feeling is and leave it at that? It was drilled in my head at family counseling at the outpatient center where she attended for us to communicate and quit ignoring the elephant in the living room. I almost feel like if I don't say something I'm ignoring the elephant in the living room. I don't want a confrontation. Trust me on that one. We have learned to talk without it getting heated (most of the time). I told her this a.m. that I am trying to love and encourage her, just like my Al Anon training says I am to do. But I'm just wondering if I tell her my gut feeling, might it possibly help her to have the guts to be totally honest? I know she worries very much about disappointing her dad and I. Maybe if I take the burden of that (like a good little Ms. Fix It....smiles) off of her, she will realize she can admit to mistakes, not beat herself up for it and start over. I can accept that. I've told her that many times....if a slip occurs I know it's not the end of the world. The ticket is getting back up and trying again.
Ok, before I get raked over the coals....lol....let me add that her counselor at the outpatient clinic told me that my gut feelings have and are usually 'right on.' Also, her sponsor is only 1 year sober (I don't say that in a bad way) but she doesn't have a lot of sponsoring experience and my daughter is great at duping people.
Ok, lay it on me, all you successful, rational and experienced folks....
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.