hi wandl, as I was reading your post, as soon as I got to "She brought up how both of us had things to make amends for" - my mind went to no - nope, nada, just no. Anytime someone would start a sentence that way it's a damn guarantee to get someone's back up - it's useless and pointless.
Well I've been wrong but YOU!! YOU!! have been
SO wrong!! quack - quackety quack.
Frankly, I hope you will avoid speaking to her at all about any of this for several weeks (if not several years). Her therapist, group, counsellors are there to help her start to rebuild her life and they can, maybe, help her lay down some of her resentments or whatever - you on the other hand will never be that person (and never could be really).
The only thing you two have in common now is your Daughter, unless you are discussing that, why speak to her at all (and I mean, things like school or summer activities, not how much YOU have damaged everyone's relationship).
Or at the very least unable to move on. But move on from what?
From this dysfunctional relationship. Just because it's not the best relationship in the world doesn't make it easy to move away from it. She accuses you, you react and start to question yourself and blame yourself. Blame is wasted in this instance I think, all you can do is make the best of a bad situation. Don't worry too much about which traits your Daughter has picked up or not, if she needs help, maybe just focus on getting her that help now.
You have a burden, perhaps many, maybe you need to look at those and ask yourself if it helping to carry those on your back? If not, perhaps take time to focus on each one individually and ask what you can do to fix/help that, put it aside if it's not valid, etc.