Trying to make sense
Hi All,
Sure has been a while. My Ex has finally entered a 3 month residential program, not even two weeks in. We had a call the other day and she and I were having a convo that was heading for resentment . She brought up how both of us had things to make amends for (true) and brought up how I put her thru the ringer with our daughter was WAAAAAAAAAAY out of line. When I hear those words, I fill with anger. How arrogant, I think to myself that she would say that to me? I know I have brought this to the forum before, I guess I still feel some guilt around it and think she is right.
I am in a weird place in the last month or so. I am working al-anon, I am at step four again and working it thru a lot more thoughtfully and honestly this time. I am thinking about where I am, now almost 3 years out from when everything came to a head. I feel stuck. Or at the very least unable to move on. But move on from what? From imagining us all reuniting, me quitting my job and travelling, me getting a new job, me finally letting go?
Daughter is doing pretty well. School year is almost done, She goes to high school next year, and has been seeing her mom before her mom left for treatment. She is really growing up, she is so beautiful and I see so much of myself in her, and not my best traits. I feel like the last few years and my fears have rubbed off on her, and she has adopted a worrying and fearful mindset...likely from watching me fret and worry. I feel like now that the dust has settled, I have to account for how my daughter has internalized the past few years. I know, a bit of a pity party here. I have a lot of growing up to do, owning my feelings and perhaps changing my perspective.