I have made it clean this long by learning that I have irreversible brain damage. All of us addicts have it.
It has take the better part of 4 years to pull out to a level of recovery that feels so amazing pretty much all the time. Brain healing/rewiring.
In my first days, weeks, months I had moments of clarity that grew longer and longer. The brain was adapting to what was left of my sanity. If I relapse, it starts over at a deeper hole.
My brain had to learn to produce the dopamine etc. booze had altered. My nervous system had to stabilize.
It hurt so bad and it didn't seem to get better, but I got used to it. Then it got better. That is really important.
Getting used to being uncomfortable. That is where healing happens. That is where success happens.
We stumble over our weaknesses and that is where success lies.
Thanks.