Seeking Support
I’m new here and reading as much as possible to understand alcoholism. I’ve been to Al-Anon several times last year and one CR meeting last week. Both were helpful. Prior to that, I read Codependent No More and have since reread it multiple times as well as Beattie’s second book Beyond Codependency. I don’t think of myself as codependent, but it has taken me over a decade to catch on to the fact that my husband has a drinking problem.
He has been a “functional alcoholic,” and while I intellectually understood that it was likely to escalate, I never thought it actually would. He’d go periods of months without drinking or years of fairly moderate drinking. He’s a very hands-on father to our two children who are now teens and adore him. He is home every night and has coached our kids in their athletics.
But it did escalate. At our kids’ travel tournaments, he would have a steady stream of alcohol that started as soon as the last game was played. One night at a hotel, after I watched him order his 5th beer in less than 2 hours, I realized that he needed help and told him so. He apologized and our oldest told AH that he drinks too much beer.
Over the last year and half, he has been drinking nightly and is passed out on the couch long before bedtime. I have no idea how much he’s drinking as he hides it from me and I find cans hidden all over the house and garage without looking for them- and often in strange places, like in the bathroom near the bathtub where I found 3 empty cans lined up when searching for Epsom salts for our son who was sore from football.
When I’ve told him that he needs help, he will stop drinking for months (typically 8 weeks or so) and tell me he feels great, but since he is not working a program and getting help and accountability, he will start drinking again and I have no idea how much. He will lie when I ask him if he’s been drinking, tell me I’m crazy...you all know the story.
After I found empty alcohol cans (he switched to a Vodka-based drink so I wouldn’t smell beer on him, but I do smell a weird fermentation scent on him the morning after he has been drinking even with vodka drinks) in the backseat of his car, I left the home several months ago to stay in a hotel for a weekend and clear my head. He was very distressed by this. I told him that this was a sober home and I will not live like this anymore. Either the alcohol goes or we go. He apologized and said that he is done drinking. He stopped for two months and then started drinking again and hiding it completely. I was playing a board game with our teen and he was standing near us, swaying and slurring. I told him the next day that he needs to leave our home. He broke down and cried. I felt awful and didn’t follow through.
I told him to leave again this weekend after waking up in the morning and seeing that he was visibly drunk. I’ve never seen him drunk in the mornings. He was doing “house projects” in the garage and yard while drinking and hiding it. He argued with me a little about driving, although he backed down pretty quickly. I was going to tell him the next day to leave but he had been drinking again the next morning. Later in the day when he had sobered up somewhat, I talked with our teens and we were united in telling him to go. We offered to pack his bag and drive him to a motel. I called a therapist whom I’d reached out to several months ago and met in person at CR last week. She affirmed that it was important to let the kids know what is going on and help them develop boundaries. Because AH has typically only gotten intoxicated in the evenings, they see his behavior change and see him passed out on the couch, but they weren’t sure how big of a deal it is.
AH asked to come home today after apologizing and telling us how much he loves us. I am calm and relieved to not have him here. I have been compassionate, but I do not want him back home until he is actively in recovery. I am concerned that he is going to become upset and insist on coming home, and my teens do not want to leave the home. I also want to schedule an appointment for our family with the therapist who advised me to come up with a safety plan with my kids. They understand that there is a problem, but they also see their friends’ parents drink too much at times as alcohol is so prevalent. My oldest has already asked me if Dad will be able to come home today.
Thank you in advance for any support or guidance you can offer.