wehav2day

Hi everyone. I can hardly call myself a newcomer, but I keep going back to this theme and wonder if anyone else is too? Maybe we can help each other.

I’m grateful to be able to say that after many false starts, I was finally able to do whatever it takes to recover. Thanks to continuing recovery, I’ve been sober 8+ years. As so many of you know, it’s a daily effort to stay in recovery, but it’s a hell of a lot easier than drinking! Most days it’s second nature to do some reading on here, check in with sober friends, and thank the HP.

Like so many of us, I know others who not only share the illness of addiction, but they didn’t get out alive. When I got sober, I was three years younger than my mom had been when she died.

so I suppose I started out recovery with this issue, eh? Three years sober, and I’d outlived my mom. Why did we have to lose her, why am I still here?

then three years ago, it was my brother. He killed himself. I knew he was stuck and couldn’t stop drinking. He still hadn’t had any “consequences.” He said himself he wasn’t done drinking. His one “consequence” was death. I was definitely on that track myself.

so why was I able to recover when they didn’t get the chance?

there was also a guy at work. I never met him, as I was hired in to replace him after he’d left. I started to piece together the details of his time, and came to believe he was an alcoholic too. A few years ago, he too died an alcoholic’s death. Why not me?

Every time, i have this struggle. So it should come as no surprise it hit again when I found out about another one...

I used to attend a women’s aa meeting sporadically. One day, a woman had the kind of dramatic share that dominates the meeting. That was fine by me, I was too hungover to do more than listen anyway.

a while in, I realized she was the wife of a coworker. One I didn’t like. Her share was... explicit in ways that mean I learned way more than I should about that coworker. I simultaneously felt bad for him, mad if it was all true, but also fearful that she would recognize me and tell him I was in an as meeting. He’s not someone I would trust with that knowledge.

it was a big test for me in the power of aa. Once I was able to live in recovery, I was able to let that fear go. If she broke the aa code and outed me, so be it. I don’t think she did.

but they divorced. She relapsed. I always hoped she could recover and be there for their child. For my coworker’s sake too.

I found out she didn’t make it out alive, either. And now her daughter doesn’t have a mother at all, not even one who isn’t all the way there. That child is the same age I was when it happened to me...

so here I sit. Sober. Grateful. But also... why me? Why did i get the second chance at life? Do I deserve it? I try to make the most of it. Be the person that the HP made me to be.

but man, it kind of does my head in when this strange mix of gratitude and guilt hits. When we lose another soul to this madness.

if you have a moment to share your experience or thoughts, thank you. If you get anything out of reading, I’m grateful. Thank you.