Hang in there dustyfox. I understand how overwhelming this must seem, and sometimes those who have been here a long time can be blunt with their advice, but it is out of genuine concern and wanting to help. Most of us know how tricky the addiction can be, based on our own painful experience. I drank for decades, like you, with only a few breaks in there. Because I could moderate to some degree, I thought I was controlling my addiction.. but the addiction was controlling me.
Just take it a day at a time for now and things will get better. Simply don't take a drink today, and don't worry about tomorrow. Then tomorrow just do the same. And so on. Soon you will have many sober days - one at a time.
I am so glad you joined the May class DF, you will get some great support there also. Keep posting here too though.
Really wishing you the best.