case762

My girlfriend/fiance is in her second rehab program. The first she didn't take seriously and relapsed instantly. This time it seems to be working and has been there for 70 days. The other day, I mistakenly logged into her iMessage on my iPad and found this guy constantly texting her. A lot of "I love you", "Babe", etc and etc. Apparently, he didn't text her for more than a few minutes and she seemed irritated that he was being so quiet. As I'm watching this in real-time, I see they're sneaking off somewhere, kissing and then she sends him texts about "wanting more" and "still wet" and "maybe I'll finish myself off later, I did twice yesterday." My blood boils and I confront her about it. I've had suspicions about this guy for almost a month because of some odd shirtless selfies of him sent to her. She said he was gay. Obviously that was a lie. Obviously, they developed a romantic connection. She said it was just kissing and was just a few times. I'm of course paranoid now and their texting stops. She then moves to WhatsApp where I can't see her texts and she hasn't used for months until now.

A week goes by and then I see this guy's girlfriend texting my fiance threatening her. So now this dude's girlfriend, who is apparently married with kids, is confronting my girlfriend. This is turning into an actual episode of Jerry Springer. Meanwhile, I'm in the military in Japan and this is all happening in Florida. Stupidly, I contacted the other woman and she shares with me how messed up this guy is. Violent, should be in jail for multiple DWI's, dead-beat dad who's kids are in S. Caroline while he lives with his dad in New Jersy and who's paying for this. She also shares her texts and emails with me from him. So while he's telling my woman how much he loves her and talking to his friends about her being his "special friend," (what is this, Junior High?) he's begging his girlfriend (who's married) to stay with him and he's fighting for her. I just can't stand it at this point and go to my girlfriend and tell her what a scumbag he is. She's immediately pissed that I was talking to his girlfriend. At this point I don't care, I'm more concerned for her safety. She defends this guy in rehab, saying that his girlfriend is just crazy and lying. I finally share what this guy's girlfriend shared with me and it starts to dawn on her she's being played.

She told me he was leaving this Tuesday and then after talking to this douchbag's girlfriend, that wasn't the case. This guy actually calls me and tries to explain that he won't involve himself with my girl and that he cares about her. He admits though that he and my girl colluded to lie to me that he was leaving so I'd "feel better." The lies just kept piling up.

From the moment I caught her, she said she was sorry, but I kept catching her in lies. Moving to different messaging platforms (she admitted she was talking to him), to him lying about the nature of his situation back home, to her defending him saying he's really not that bad of a guy and "just a friend," to her using the excuse that the kissing and teasing was "just an outlet," and then to the lies about him leaving when he actually wasn't.

I've forgiven her and am trying to get over it. But I know she's still talking to him over text messages over whatever app she can use now. And it's driving me crazy. I've loved her for 4 years and I feel like she's in some sort of high school summer camp where everybody gets to have their "rehab boyfriend/girlfriend," and ignore real life that's sitting outside those walls and waiting for them.

I'm sorry for the rant, but what should I do? She wants to come home, but I've got three kids from a previous marriage, her previous drinking has caused a lot of damage, I have a very patient ex-wife whose patience is wearing very thin and has real legal leverage over me if my girlfriend implodes, and who's also resisting going to sober living after this. And now this? My nerves are frayed. Is this "romance/special friendship" something real that I should worry about? Is she telling me the truth about her putting boundaries around this guy? He's a snake charmer and I feel she's falling for it. Should I trust her? She finally started wearing the ring I gave her when I proposed. She said she didn't before because she was afraid of it getting stolen. Maybe she's realizing she doesn't want to lose me. She begged me not to give up on her but the lies just kept coming. Should what they did even matter? Is this incident an indication that her recovery isn't going as well as she has said it's been and I shouldn't trust her back in my home with my kids. She has no legal right to my house or property so if she insists on coming home, that may be a serious crossroads for us.

Thanks for listening. I haven't talked to anyone who is a loved one of an addict. I live in a very successful world where no one supposedly has problems. Of course that's all ******** but it's not acceptable to talk about these things in my professional world.