Sobriety
Month 1- Who the hell is the person living in my body? I don't even recognize myself any longer. I have to change. Man I am in HELL. I've got to help myself. Ive got to get sober. Hot tea. Sleep. Hot tea. Sleep. meetings. Crying. Severe anxiety. Post on here. Do not leave here.
Month 2- Epic days long battles of anxiety. Trying to maintain composure. Trying to maintain positivity. Hot tea. More hot tea and more hot tea. I'm not really getting better. I think I may have altered myself. What does that even mean? Ride it out. Fake it until you make it. There are glimpses of happiness. The sun is sort of shining in my brain. Im so screwed.
Month 3- Wake in the morning to discover that there is not the EPIC battle of swirling thoughts, emotions and wondering If I'm ever going to make it into something that resembles sane. What is this new "Okayish" feeling?
Best not to talk about it and keep moving forward. I dont want to jinx myself. Listen to others. Remember that I have been here before.
Month 4- Cruising along with some water wings. Its nice. Not too many waves. The sunshine is shining for longer periods of time in my brain. This is cool. Noticing how my emotions are still controlling me. Various turbulence. I gotta do something about that.
Month 5- Routine is great. Structure has kept me grounded. No real thoughts of wanting to escape. Diligent at work. Trying to learn more about my emotions and how to not let them control me. It seems like knowing is half the battle. My spiritual self needs some work. What is missing? What will help me to feel whole? How do I carry on in this? What is the purpose and am I in some spiritual crisis? I am guided towards a spiritual practice and start to read everything I can to learn more.
Month 6- Start chanting. Why not? I'm disciplined enough to start this spiritual road and see where it takes me. Readings each night. Chanting in the morning and night. See where it takes me. Set times. Set readings. Positive and feeds the part of myself where there was a hole. Prayer. Chanting. Prayer. Focusing on changing myself. When I change, my world changes. Things actually start to change. More confidence. More love. More to give.
Month 7- I will be there tomorrow morning. The HELL I was in 7 months ago is far removed from my life. I am raising my life condition and am hopeful. If I think about the place I was in 7 months ago tears come to my eyes. It was dark and scary and I had intrusive thoughts. I cannot live there. That place is not meant for me.
I will continue walking forward. Chanting. Helping. Praying. Drinking Limeade.