Thanks both Ariesagain and trailmix for your replies.
It's 8am here and no sign of her yet, and judging by where she is, she'll have to take an Uber or a bus to get home, so I have some time to reply.
Thank you both for trying to be gentle, but it's ok, I'm not easily offended, and I'm a big boy, I can take your unfiltered opinions.
Regarding me feeling responsible for her actions and reactions, fundamentally I know I'm not, but I'm actively involved in this situation, so I can't just pretend it's events I'm just watching from afar. I attended 1 Al-Alon support meeting over Zoom, which did help change my attitude to some things. They explained that alcoholism is an disease and so I shouldn't blame her and see her as the victim of this just as much as me. To be honest, I told them all about her drinking and leaving me responsibile for our child and the situation, but I left out the dozens of stranger hookups, because it's a bit difficult to talk about that in person over Zoom. I've only felt comfortable to admit that here over text.
I understand what you are saying, but I don't want to engage in victim blaming, like "she was drunk, so she deserved what happened to her", I'm not saying you are doing that either, but I just want to by mindful of the fact that there are men involved in this situation too. Men that are likely less drunk than she is and in a less vunerable situation, that are taking her home, or taking her to the toilets or whatever, to take advantage of her. Also, how often do you see men drinking on their own in bars, and what percentage of guys in bars are drinking as part of a group? If she is going around asking for guys to buy her drinks, its more likely she is going to hit upon guys in a group than guys on their own. So if it's a group of guys buying her drinks there is an obvious power imbalance there, especially when it come to collecting on what they believe they are "owed" for buying her drinks.
You are right about the risk of COVID and anything else she might bring home. I'm embarrassed to say that despite the situation my wife and I do still have sex, and when I think back over our relationship, it's only ever really been when she is drunk that we have had sex. Afterwards I feel bad about it, like doing it is somehow accepting that the situation is ok and normal, somehow legitimising the situation. But in the early drunk phase before she runs out of alcohol and gets angry and goes off to the pub, she is very direct and upfront about wanting to have sex, and as a weak man, I agree. Once I started to realise what was happening when she wasn't coming home, I started using condoms with her, to protect myself.
Regarding PPD and whether "fixing" that will "fix" her alcoholism, while I think she should speak to someone about it, I don't think it's going to solve it. When I think back on our the time I've known her, I think it's always been there, but less obvious. She was always the most drunk out of any of anyone at a gathering. When we had arguments she would deal with that by going and getting drunk. She quit drinking in the run up to our wedding and while pregnant, and so it felt like something she just didn't do anymore, until it started up again.
Recent events have made me rethink times from our past too where I thought I was being paranoid or she told me I was being paranoid. Times when she would disappear after an argument and go and stay at "a friend's", and one time at my work's Christmas party where I hadn't seen her for a while and I caught her coming out of the men's toilets looking disheveled, and she said she'd gone in there by mistake.
I'm trying to get some therapy for her through my work health insurance, but the only things available are in person, and not that close, and there is a fine if you miss appointments, which I can imagine happening.
Maybe I will speak to a lawyer, as you both mention, so I understand where I stand. I'm guessing he will tell me to collect evidence. Like I said, I have my notes, and I've been noting down the addresses she ends up at by tracking her phone, mostly so I have something to tell the police if she doesn't come home! There is a load of evidence I could gather if I wanted to, and evidence that I choose to throw away instead of keep. And I could document more. But then I'm sitting there, with these pictures on my phone and stuff in my possession, that I really don't want as a reminder.
Once again, thank you for your replies. Actually talking about it, is making it feel real, instead of just in my head which is what it feels like sometimes.