He won't leave the house and I can't force him, so it'd be me getting an apartment. Then what if he loses his job while we have the house and an apartment? Yet, I kinda think I need to get out before that happens. I think if he weren't working, I'd feel more trapped than I already do.
He’s going to lose his job, it’s just a question of when, right? And then you’ll be even more trapped. Your words.
I would like for us to be able to sit down and have a rational conversation about the marriage not working and doing a separation. I'd rather it be a decision that was made TOGETHER.
As gently as I can, the days when you had a relationship where you could have rational, cooperative conversations and make adult decisions as a team and then abide by them are pretty much gone, from what you’ve posted. It’s completely understandable that you want this, but it is now a fantasy borne of nostalgia and wishful thinking.
There’s another consideration here, I’m not sure if it’s been mentioned*. As long as you’re married, your credit will be affected by his decisions. And if he hurts someone while he’s drunk (driving, for instance), you could lose everything you have in a lawsuit or defending against one.
You are a smart person. You need to assess the risks with a clear mind, the best you can. At some point, you have to save yourself, yes?
* Oops, I see it was already brought up! But it’s worth saying twice...your options will only continue to narrow as time moves on. I’m sorry you’re going through this.