Originally Posted by
dandylion 
flower.....of the things that you have listed as your fears.....it doesn't look to me like they are in the future....it looks like they are happening, now, or are going to come whether you want them or not.
You have already told him that he is going to loose everything. You are already lonely---having isolated yourself a lot from others. You say that he is not a good husband or a good friend. You stayed and he didn't seek recovery....yu left and he didn't choose recovery....you came back and he didn't choose recovery.
He wants you to stay, and let him continue to spiral into his alcoholism. Because you feel that he will feel hurt if you leave---this means that you will have a front row seat to his alcoholism and all that it entails. This means that you will, by default, martyr yourself for his alcoholism. Does this look like the life that you want for yourself?
As he contnues to drink---loosing his job is very likely (you have said as much)...which means that the house may be lost, anyway.
You have said that the marriage is over.
Perhaps it is time to begin the baby steps of gathering information so that you can face your future as the crap hits the fan. Like talking to lawyers and checking the real estate market...and, making plans to file for divorce or legal separation-----that way you will be ahead of the game...which is going to come......
baby steps...baby steps....that is what gets the ball rolling. A ball in motion tends to stay in motion.
You can sweep a lot under the rug for a while....and, you can bury your head in the sand, for a while....but, it won't stop reality from showing up on your doorstep. Alcoholism is progressive, and this is probably as good as it is going to be.....and, he shows no signs of reaching for genuine recovery---other than some words. Words don't count---only action counts. Not short-term action and not half measures. Lifelong sustained actions are what counts, in the end.
Yes, I have done things to begin the process but it's just stuck right now. I've talked to a lawyer, but that's been 2 years ago now so the fees have likely changed. I have most of the paperwork filled out for the divorce filing (did that in Dec 2020, so it's outdated already). I didn't pay a retainer so I don't technically have an attorney. I have a savings account set up and am making deposits in it. I've got important paperwork together in 1 spot so it's easily accessible. I have some sentimental things in a box for easy grab; I could work on boxing up remaining items. I have an overnight bag ready, which I've had to use before. I have a place to stay if I need somewhere immediately, which I've also had to use before.
I do think that the divorce lawyer paperwork/retainer paralyzes me; it's just too much of a step forward. I think focusing on just separating would come first. Every so often, I get online & research apartments in the area I want to be (did it yesterday too). I don't want to do it behind his back because I'd done a few things behind his back and I just don't feel good about it. I would like for us to be able to sit down and have a rational conversation about the marriage not working and doing a separation. I'd rather it be a decision that was made TOGETHER. But sober & rational conversations are rare these days. And during those times, I don't want to "ruin" it.